Dispatches

CHICKENS AND THE CIVIL WAR: Prologue.

2007-01-01T23:14:00.000-06:00

I told you I'd get around to it.

Please, PLEASE make comments, kids. Your feedback is appreciated.

He cannot remember it, but Louis Pound’s first dream was of trout.

The kaleidoscopic pre-natal visions that most people experience in the womb come late in the pregnancy, where they see the light before light, color before color. It’s hard to process past experience into subconscious nighttime entertainment when all you’ve ever done is float in the dark. They chase clouds of What across plains of Possibly, and wonder, in the untranslatable syntax of the nearly born, where all this warm panna cotta is coming from.

FLICK: Something completely unexpected happened today.

2006-11-07T15:30:00.000-06:00

I saw a trailer for the new Robin Williams movie...and I laughed.

I'm not saying I'm going to see the movie. I'm just saying that I'm definitely not not going to see it.

CHEKIT: 1,667 words a day, for the next 30 days.

2006-10-31T22:35:00.000-06:00

That's right, kids. Something had to get this piece of shit rolling and it might as well be the insanity of National Novel Writing Month. In case you haven't heard, NaNoWriMo is a challenge to writers of all stripes and talent levels during the month of November - write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. It's more of an sadomasochistic writing exercise than anything else, and a good way to build a framework for future projects. It's also supposedly fun, though anyone working on this sort of thing will tell you that it's more like walking into the room of infinite monkeys and infinite typewriters of one's mind armed with correction fluid, bananas laced with PCP and a menacing, monomaniacal bellow that sounds more like the coxswain's urging to STROKE, BITCHES more than anything else. I'll be posting excerpts here, and full entries over at A Nightmare of Chickens and the Civil War. And I'd like to apologize in advance for the absolute crap you're about to endure.

CHEKIT: Virtual "L" Navigator

2006-10-25T20:36:00.000-05:00

If you know what you're doing, you can pretty much get anywhere you want in Chicago via public transportation. The buses and trains may not always be the most luxurious vehicles in the world, but they are cheap and clean enough ("eco-friendly" and "pro-sustainability," according to L-o'-lantern carver thirdrail). Problem is (and I use the word "problem" in the same way that someone giving you a million dollars in quarters is a "problem") there are so many cool neighborhoods in this city with so many cool places to check out, it's hard to decide where to go, and how to get there.

Enter centerstage.net, and their incredibly handy and intuitive Virtual "L" Navigator. Find a stop on any CTA transit line, and the Navigator will provide a list of bars, restaurants, stores, parks - pretty much anyplace worth checking out - within walking distance. You can also work it the other way, and click on a neighborhood, find a place you wanna be, and the Navigator will tell you which line to take, and where to get off. In a town full of incredibly useful city guides, this is one to bookmark and keep handy.

MUZIK:The PosTunes Project

2006-10-23T23:59:00.000-05:00

Okay. Think about this, Dispatches readers:

Hypothetically, let's say you and a bunch of your friends read a blog called, oh, I dunno - Mismatches. And let's say that the guy writing this blog (who is also your friend) made you guys a proposition: each of you would send him a burnt CD (or the downloadable archived equivalent) of some choice music (whether it be an album or a mix of your own) and in return (once he gets, oh, say, 20 responses) he mails back, to everyone involved, a double-data-disc set of all the music he received, along with all the marvelous, nerdy liner notes his marvelous, nerdy friends woulda sent in. Yes, it would take some time, and yes, he'd be out the cash for the postage. But he (and all of the blog's readers) would get to experience all the wonderful, disparate selections sent in. It would be time well spent.

Would that be something you'd be interested in? Hmmm?

POLITIK: 15+ Dem majority in the House? ONLY IF YOU GET OFF YOUR ASSES, BLUE BLAZERS IN RED STATES!

2006-10-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

Eyes on the prize, bitches.

No, you're not hallucinating - that map is a lot bluer than it used to be. And according to RT Strategies and Constituent Dynamics (the two firms that make up Majority Watch - ohhhh, polling data HURTS, don't it, red-staters? It BURNS, don't it?) it only looks like it's getting worse for the GOP.

But motherfuckers - and by that, I mean my Blue Blazers, my blue brothers and sistahs - that don't mean SHIT.

Listen up, dammit. I'm talkin' to you, Mr. I Need To Get An Oil Change. I'm poking you in the chest, Mr. I've Got A Regular Basketball Game. I don't care if the incumbent in your district is gonna win by 28 points - and I definitely don't care if all you've heard is how the Democrats are gonna make the Republicans their butt boys this fall.

VOTE, MOTHERFUCKER!
PLAN TO GET YOURSELF TO YOUR POLLING PLACE ON ELECTION DAY AND DO IT TO IT, OR I WILL CRAM A DIEBOLD MACHINE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'RE GONNA BE SPITTING PAPER RECEIPTS.

Do you UNDERSTAND how crazy those right-wing get-out-the-vote organizers are? I'm talking about thousands of mysterious black vans patrolling GOP strongholds across the country, pumping out radio signals that control tiny neural microchips implanted in conservative base member's brain stems - and suddenly, millions of disaffected (but registered) Republicans who were planning to sit this one out are stomping, zombie-like, into their local precincts. Don't tell me I'm crazy. DON'T TELL ME CRAZY SHIT LIKE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN HERE IN AMERICA. A steroid-injecting, womanizing, Austrian who used to get paid for wearing a furry codpiece is the Govenor of California. The second-most powerful man in the country has the nickname "Turd Blossom," bestowed upon him by THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

Go to Jiffy Lube TOMORROW. Your regular game - schedule it for that Wednesday. Get your hair cut later. Wake up early the day of. Treat yourself to a doughnut. AND PUNCH THOSE HOLES - TOGGLE THEM LEVERS - PRESS THOSE TOUCH SCREENS. Because, goddamnit, if we fuck up this momentum, if we manage to squander the biggest blue push since the New Deal, I will personally find every single one of you lazy motherfuckers that "forgot" or "didn't have time" to vote and beat you with a desk calendar to within an inch of your life. And then I will go to my Republican neighbor's house, grab her 10-year-old-son's shotgun, and shoot you dead.

See you at the polls, bitches. GO BLUE!

TV: Avatar: The Last Airbender

2006-10-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

I've got a thing for children's TV. Teen Titans, Fairly OddParents, Kim Possible, Arthur, Blue's Clues - along with all the supposedly more sophisticated fare on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. I don't know if my tastes are getting broader, or more shallow, or if the quality of the writing on these shows is increasing, or what - but I do enjoy them. For the most part, they're the programming equivalent of a Wendy's Frosty - not something you'd make plans or go out of your way to consume, but if you're passing by, you might take in a little and enjoy with no significant investment of time or energy.

For the most part.

Except for one.

I don't know how to describe Avatar: The Last Airbender to you in a way that doesn't sound completely insane or silly. But if you like martial arts films in the mold of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hero, have some familiarity with feudal Japan and the conventions of modern anime, enjoy season-long arcs of character development and the upper-octave-piano-keyed delight of awkward, adolescent longing, then this may be a half-hour worth watching. Set your TiVos and VCRs. And be surprised by what Nickelodeon is passing for kids' fare these days - you may find a slightly less racy, but no less satisfying analog to Buffy the Vampire Slayer following a helium-addled sponge.

MUZIK: I'd give it a month, actually.

2006-10-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The following post about Justin Timberlake was written in earnest.

It's true. The new Justin Timberlake album has at least one song that, thanks to the evil machinations of beat-pimp Timbaland, will bore a hole clean into your brain through the thought centers responsible for self-consciousness and hipsterism, and drive a rhythm right across your synapses. We're talking pop music that infiltrates the nervous system at a cellular level, people.

I know. It's crazy talk. But you CAN'T FIGHT IT. I've given up the fight myself. Besides - the lady at the beginning of this video makes me feel kinda funny. Cellular level, indeed. Mmmmmm Hmmmmmmm.

HOUSEKEEPING: Dispatches Returns October 16th

2006-10-10T18:10:00.000-05:00

Dispatches and Lava Lamps & Cheap Beer returns to keep you toasty warm through the long cold winter. It's like a pair of knit wool socks for your heart and your brain. If your heart and brain had feet.

We're back on October 16th. See you soon.

LL&CB: I, we, will.

2006-07-05T12:12:00.000-05:00

In an alternate universe, she’s living a hand-to-mouth, video-store clerk existence as the fiddler and backup singer in The Most and The Least, an alt.country band pounding out rockabilly, bluegrass and western swing retreads of ABBA and Barry Manilow songs. In that universe, after missing weekend gig after weekend gig at Monsieur Cracklins, the rundown neighborhood honky tonk, her neighbor Todd Newison finally makes it one Saturday night, and calls his friends who show up and sing along during the loud numbers and sway during the ballads.

MUZIK: Taylor's the short money. And the safe bet.

2006-05-23T17:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not an American Idol fan. The few tastes I deigned to consume during the first few seasons were reminiscent of Mariah Carey's ass-funk, which is why I've stayed away from it. But, according to Jody Rosen over at Slate, there are more than a few reasons to tune in to the Fox juggernaut nowadays - and the music of past Idol winners and also-rans ain't so terrible, either:

Consider the track record. Carrie Underwood (the 2005 idol), Fantasia Barrino (2004), and Kelly Clarkson (2002) have all recorded solid-to-excellent albums, none of which sound remotely amateurish or karaokelike. (Only Studdard, the 2003 champ, released a dud.) More surprising are the toughness and eccentricity of those records. Underwood's chart-topping country single "Jesus, Take the Wheel" is a ballad about a young mother's spiritual crisis and near-fatal car accident, and Fantasia's hit "Baby Mama," is an even grittier depiction of single motherhood. Clarkson won Idol on the strength of her feathery Mariah Carey-style melisma, but she has since moved out of what Abdul would call her "comfort zone." Her 2005 smash, "Since U Been Gone," which placed third in last year's Village Voice's Pop & Jazz's critic's poll, was an angsty breakup ballad with an irresistible hook and a galloping hard-rock chorus. All the qualities supposedly drowned in the ooze of Idol's "aesthetic of kitsch optimism"—regional peculiarity, lyrical realism, the jolt of a well-struck power chord—are present in these singers' big hits. Fantasia's Free Yourself even includes three collaborations with Missy Elliott, arguably the current pop star most committed to enlivening hit radio with sonic surprise and general freakishness. Idol has not only produced successful recording artists, it's produced interesting ones.

And for those of you interested purely for sporting reasons - Bodog.com has Katharine McPhee running as an 8/5 underdog in tomorrow's final; even the internet bookies are putting their money behind Crazy Legs Hicks.

CHEKIT: Lordy, lordy, Lordi loo.

2006-05-22T09:45:00.000-05:00

An email, from friend and frustrated Dispatches reader Jenny R:

Ok, so it's summer and I work in academia and that means I'm bored. So I check your blog. And I check your blog. And then I check your blog. What the f? Update your blog!

That is all.

I'm sorry I've been so busy, Jenny, but hopefully this will make up for it:

Believe it or not, Europe voted for its favorite song of the year - and these guys won. And while I know they look like Gwar with better production values, trust me - they RAWK (though this interview indicates that their front man is nothing but well-mannered and polite.)

By the way, WTMX asked me back to this show tonight. I'm flattered and depressed about it. Tune in at 8 CST if you want a good laugh.

CHOW: Hungry Mag

2006-04-27T15:02:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I was thinking - Why not put together a team-managed blog encompassing restaurant reviews as well as product profiles and short essays about interesting food experiences for the hardcore chowhound, all of it wittily and snarkily written?

Apparently, I wasn't the only one.

They've got that shit DOWN, yo. Check the noise from their introduction -

We are an online magazine covering all things tasty. We are not foodies. At least not in the elitist sense. We know the house salad at Olive Garden is just prepackaged circles of red onion, bits of frozen iceberg lettuce spit out from a commercial food shredder, tasteless black olives from a petri dish that have never even seen an olive branch, big fat garlicky salty croutons from the box, pepperoncinis cross bred to remove any sense of real spiciness so as not to offend “families”, all tossed with a sweet italian vinaigrette, and if you are lucky, the hapless waiter or waitress will offer a fresh crack of pepper from the spicemill.

That being said, here is our dirty secret: We love the house salad at Olive Garden!

Something about throwing all these commercialized and overfarmed ingredients together yields something tasty, something we think about occasionally when we haven’t been near an Olive Garden in years.

On the other hand, we do shop regularly at farmer's markets. We have spent hundreds of dollars on artisanal balsamic vinaigrette. We have been to the French Laundry, in fact, we once scheduled a whole vacation around reservations to the hallowed restaurant.

Yet, we know that people have guilty pleasures like the Olive Garden salad, or God forbid, the Big Mac. We do not hate those people, and in fact we are, at times, those people.

We don’t expect to have regular Coke tastings, or Olive Garden reviews, but there will be room for some fun. If it’s bad, it’s bad, and if someone genuinely likes it or thinks there may be merit, lets talk about it, not write it off due to snobbery and politics.

Above all though, we do intend to tell stories of the corner taquerias, rib shacks, and exceptional neighborhood joints. We will ignore celebrity for celebrity’s sake, dig deep into the history of food, look for artisanal, or frankly, folksy backwoods producers of the finest ingredients. We will look at all kinds of ethnic cuisine or even the best ways to prepare roadkill. We hope to do this with a smart, focused, and occasionally irreverent voice.

Much love to Secret Squirrel for the tip.

CHEKIT: Perplex City

2006-04-26T08:53:00.000-05:00

From the BoingBoing post:

...the gist of Perplex City is that you buy packs of six cards for $5 a pack and enter a world of puzzle solving, interactive fiction, and real-world/fantasy crossover. (The makers of the game are happy to admit the inspiration came from Kit Williams' 1979 treasure hunt book, Masquerade, which provided clues to help readers locate a valuable "golden hare" hidden in the real world. The current edition of Masquerade includes the solution to the puzzle.)

Each Perplex City card has a puzzle on the front. Sometimes the puzzle will lead you to a faux corporate website or blog with additional hints. By entering your answer on the Perplexity website, you get points and can compare your ranking with other players.

Some of the cards have delightful gimmicks, like heat sensitive or ultraviolet inks that contain hidden clues. In addition to the obvious puzzle (I think there are 260 cards in the entire series, half of which have been released), each card contains elements of meta-puzzles of varying complexity.

Apparently, the makers of Perplex City have determined that I don’t NEED any spare time in my life. So if you see me, say, sometime in November, bleary-eyed, mumbling something about $200k and a cube that needs finding, you know why.

CHOW: I LOVE cilantro. Lots of other folks don't.

2006-04-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

Cilantro is my second-favorite herb, after basil. I’d use it in everything if it was appropriate and if most of my friends didn’t hate it so much - it's a hatred so deep, they've refused to eat food cooked near anything that has cilantro in it. I thought they were just being jerks, but apparently they’re not alone.

CHEKIT: The Google Maps Guide to Ghostbusters

2006-04-24T08:23:00.000-05:00

The flowers are still standing!

If you’re a fan of ectoplasm, total protonic reversals, 600-pound Twinkies and real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, then this Google Maps mash-up is for you. (Much love to Scavedot - VEGAS, BABY!)

MUZIK: Tax Day Playlist

2006-04-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

If you're still feeling the sting from getting a smaller-than-expected refund, or if (horror) you had to actually pony up some cash, check out CMJ's Tax Day playlist, which, I expect, could also be titled "CMJ's I Wanna Kick Something" playlist, or "CMJ's Get The Fuck Outta My Way" playlist. I mean, songs from Black Flag and Minor Threat, along with Circle Jerks' "World Up My Ass" aren't exactly bunny-and-ducky fare. Enjoy.

MUZIK: Spring Mix 2006

2006-04-20T15:17:00.000-05:00

So...I know I said this would be ready in March, but...you guys don't mind waiting, right?

I'm just about done. The following is a nearly-complete list of artists featured.

SPRING MIX 2006
featuring:

Alison Krauss via Dolly Parton
Appleseed Cast
Belle and Sebastian
Ben Folds
Bettye Swann
Billy Bragg & Wilco
Blossom Dearie
Blue States
Brendan Benson
Bright Eyes
Byron Lee and the Dragonnaires
Camera Obscura
Cat Power
CCC
Charles Wright & The 103rd St. Watts Rhythm Band
Crosstide
David Holmes
The Detroit Cobras
Devics
Dick Brave & The Backbeats via Run DMC
dj BC and The Beastles
DJ Dangermouse & Zero 7 Featuring Doom
Dokaka
The Dresden Dolls
Eef Barzelay
Elvis Costello & The Metropole Orkest
Elvis Presley
Esthero
The Faces
Feist
George Jones
Gnarls Barkley
Hall & Oates
Inara George
Inger Marie Gunderson via Everly Brothers
The Jackson Five
Jamie Lidell
Jay Dee aka J Dilla
Jean Grae
Johnny Cash
Jose Gonzales
Kings Of Leon
The Knife
Laura Veirs
LCD Soundsystem
Linda Lyndell
Lisa Loeb
The Long Winters
Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five
Lynden David Hall via The Beatles
Lyrics Born
Mia Doi Todd
Michael Penn
Midlake
Minus Five
Mos Def
Nina Simone via The Beatles
Over The Rhine
P.O.S.
Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson
Peggy Lee
Phil
Princess Superstar
The Raconteurs
Regina Spektor
Rogue Wave
The Rosebuds
Sam Roberts
Shelby Lynne
Shelley Short
Shuggie Otis
Sing-Sing
Stars via Smiths
Suzanne Vega
Swollen Members
Tapes 'n Tapes
Tears for Fears
They Might Be Giants
Thievery Corporation (feat. Gigi Rezende)
Thompson Twins
Torero
Wolfmother
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Yes
The Zombies

Much love to Sara Z (Brooklyn, bitches) and Jenny R and all the MP3 blogs that made this possible.

If you want some of this goodness, well - you know how to get a hold of me.

MUZIK: Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2006-04-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

Blogging about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at this point is, I realize, a little like writing a cooking column about SPAM in the 1940s. "I've discovered this tasty new spiced ham product that would delight you and your family in casseroles or as a main dish!" the column would say. "Dinner won't ever be the same after you've tried SPAM!" Meanwhile, every pantry in America is already stocked with cans of the stuff, ready to be served to kids already so sick of salty, gelatinous potted meat that they're eating their victory garden carrots first and hiding their meat-pucks in the dog's food bowl.

Actually - the metaphor doesn't hold - Not NEARLY enough Americans are digging the lunatic stylings of Karen O and the boys. And with oufits like these, I don't think YYY retreads are going to be making it to the muzak playlists of your local megachurch's foyer. Regardless - check out the new album. And in this Pitchfork interview, learn that it takes influences like Michael Jackson AND Sam Cooke AND Freddie Mercury to make one of the most interesting lead singers in rock today.

MUZIK: Gnarls Barkley

2006-04-17T12:17:00.000-05:00

The upcoming Gnarls Barkley album, like everything else hyped to within an inch of its life, probably won't be as good as everyone says it will be. But you wouldn't know it listening to some of the tracks already making their way about the web, including "Crazy," which went #1 on the UK charts based on download sales alone. Every other music blog I hit seems to mention them at least once a week - and with good reason - web-released tracks "Just a Thought" and "Crazy" will ride a Tilt-A-Whirl inside your head until you manage to slip your synaptic carnies some malt liquor. Fans of DJ Dangermouse (of various collaborations, and, most famously, The Grey Album) and Cee-Lo (of Goodie Mob fame) should just about crap their pants if the album is half as good as the early singles. And if the quality of the first video from a new group correlates to the level of fame and awesomeness to follow, well - it's gonna get a little ridiculous real fast.

MUZIK: Cinnamon Girl

2006-04-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

Today's post begins an all-MUZIK week here at Dispatches. Headphones and head-nods and surreptitious lip-syncing on the bus not included.

Enjoy.

Scott over at the 'Gum has 11 (ELEVEN) covers of Neil Young's "Cinnamon Girl," from Radiohead, Matthew Sweet and Hole, among others - which is, by my lights. six more than absolutely necessary. But you can decide for yourself.

CHOW [and BOOZE]: The Bourbon Sidecar.

2006-04-12T11:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been away. It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

To make up for it - here's a cow in a racing helmet in on a motorcycle.

From Eric Asimov's new blog in the NYT:

I hate to pigeonhole myself, but when it comes to cocktails I love the classics. I want a martini made with gin, not vodka. The same goes for a gimlet. In fact, I don’t really care for vodka at all, unless it’s straight, iced down and served with caviar, or Peking duck. (That’s flexibility, no?)
I prefer a Manhattan made with rye rather than bourbon, just as the original recipe calls for rye. Rye has a racy, dancing quality in the mouth, like Sichuan peppercorns, while I find that Bourbon tends to be a little sweet and flat, and mixes best with ice cubes.

I’m not doctrinaire or snobbish about these things. Years of experimentation simply confirm the wisdom of the originals, despite the well-intentioned creativity that leads to the lesser variations. And I’m not the contrary sort either, although certain members of my family might disagree with that assertion.

And here’s proof: the bourbon sidecar.

Being a cognac/Cointreau/lemon juice man myself, I've never used bourbon in a sidecar, much as I've never used the word doctrinaire in a sentence until just now - neither would have occured to me. But it's looks like it's something worth trying.

CHEKIT: LEGO Worldbuilder 2

2006-04-06T11:11:00.000-05:00

Last week I was at work late because we were on deadline. This week I was at work late because I want to trap and kill some lions with my Freezebot. Trust me - you'll understand.

CHEKIT: Jenny makes the case for Bloomington, Indiana.

2006-04-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

This is called nature and most New Yorkers only see it if they schlep up to Central Park [or Prospect Park, which we all know is the better of the two].

Jenny (in addition to being cool and cute and (sigh) married) can smack verbs and nouns around sumthin' fierce. Check out her newest published stylings here - though I will say I doubt there's a decent bagel to be found in the whole of the state of Indiana.

POLITIK: The Hammer resigns

2006-04-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

From the NYT:

In an interview Monday night, Richard Cullen, Mr. DeLay's principal criminal defense lawyer, said that his client had been pondering a withdrawal from the race for some time and that "it had nothing to do with any criminal investigation."
"The decision had absolutely nothing to do with the investigation," Mr. Cullen said. "It was a very personal decision and a political one."

Yes. Very personal. In the way rinsing half-eaten mashed potatoes off a food tray in a federal prison cafeteria kitchen feels very personal.

CHEKIT: Bow before George Saunders. Kneel before George Saunders.

2006-04-03T17:42:00.000-05:00

From The New Yorker:

...I used to love music, back when it had melody and chords and lyrics. But now it has no melody and no chords, just thwack-thwacking, and they even seem to be cutting back on the thwack-thwacking, so now it’s sometimes just thwa, and, as far as lyrics, do you consider these lyrics?
Hump my hump,
My stumpy lumpy hump!
Hump my dump, you lumpy slumpy dump!
I’ll dump your hump,
and then just hump your dump,
You lumpy frumply clump.

I’m sorry. To me? Those are not lyrics. In my day, lyrics were used to express real emotion, like the emotion of being totally stoned and trying to talk this totally stoned chick into sleeping with you in the name of love, which lasted forever, if only you held on to your dreams.

George Saunders isn't just a pimp. He is a platform-shoed, befeathered-hat-wearing hermit living atop a mountain that pimps climb and ask of him how they, too, can achieve perfect pimpitude.

He's got a new book coming out. And in case you haven't already, read this one and this one, too.

CHEKIT: Iraq War Coalition Fatalities

2006-03-30T01:27:00.000-06:00

Press the button.

I'd go on and on and on as to how cool this is, BoingBoing, if it wasn't so sad and moving and disturbing.

HOUSEKEEPING: Apologies and peppercorns

2006-03-23T10:49:00.000-06:00

I promise - more posts after the weekend. Until then:

Get yourself some Spice House action. The UPS guy just delivered some rib rubs, jerk seasonings, barbecue sauce makings and TELLICHERRY PEPPERCORNS, yo. I'm a happy man.

CHEKIT: Conan O'Brien is coming to Chicago

2006-03-20T22:27:00.000-06:00

Please, please, PLEASE let Triumph come along. PLEASE, GOD.

CHEKIT: Happy St. Patrick's Day, ya poser.

2006-03-17T11:59:00.000-06:00

Anyone can turn the lights down, install a lot of dark wood booths and benches and brass accents in a room and call themselves an Irish pub, but it takes the efforts of the Irish Pub Company to turn the art of faux O'Boozery into an profitable, worldwide enterprise:

In the last 15 years, Dublin-based IPCo and its competitors have fabricated and installed more than 1,800 watering holes in more than 50 countries. Guinness threw its weight (and that of its global parent Diageo) behind the movement, and an industry was built around the reproduction of "Irishness" on every continent—and even in Ireland itself. IPCo has built 40 ersatz pubs on the Emerald Isle, opening them beside the long-standing establishments on which they were based.
IPCo's designers claim to have "developed ways of re-creating Irish pubs which would be successful, culturally and commercially, anywhere in the world." To wit, they offer five basic styles: The "Country Cottage," with its timber beams and stone floors, is supposed to resemble a rural house that gradually became a commercial establishment. The "Gaelic" design features rough-hewn doors and murals based on Irish folklore. You might, instead, choose the "Traditional Pub Shop," which includes a fake store (like an apothecary), or the "Brewery" style, which includes empty casks and other brewery detritus, or "Victorian Dublin," an upscale stained-glass joint. IPCo will assemble your chosen pub in Ireland. Then they'll bring the whole thing to your space and set it up. All you have to do is some basic prep, and voilà! Ireland arrives in Dubai. (IPCo has built several pubs and a mock village there.)

Erin go Bragh! (which is Gaelic for "gratuity included.")

CHEKIT: Doctor Who on Sci-Fi.

2006-03-15T12:33:00.000-06:00

I want to make it clear to you, gentle reader, that I am in no way excited about the US premiere of Doctor Who this Friday at 8 PM CST on the SciFi network, that I have not been anticipating the stateside release of the first new episodes in fifteen years in any way, and that I will not be programming my TiVo to record all the new episodes of Doctor Who or any old ones that SciFi, BBCAmerica or PBS sees fit to release in conjunction with this, the least-looked-forward-to debut of any show this year. Just in case you were wondering.

MUZIK: Belle and Sebastian, New Pornographers AND Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! Live, downloadable and free.

2006-03-14T12:17:00.000-06:00

JACKPOT.

Live sets from three of the best bands in the indieverse today, all from the grand arbiter of tunedom, All Songs Considered. Streaming or downloadable, bitches. Go get it.

CHEKIT: March Madness.

2006-03-13T15:49:00.000-06:00

Your comments, suggestions and ridicule are welcome.

And YES, I did pick Winthrop. So did a bunch of other folks. Leave me alone.

MUZIK: Dave Chapelle's Block Party

2006-03-09T11:53:00.000-06:00

Big booty people gotta share with a small booty.

The trailer promises. Dave Chapelle delivers.

I loves me some Mos Def. Some Kanye. Some FUGEES, for goodness sakes. And if you were in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood in Brooklyn that glorious day two summers ago (when Dave was at the height of his powers, before he went AWOL from Comedy Central) you would've been lovin' it, too. Go see what all the hubbub's about - and enjoy one of sweetest, funkiest, funniest and most joyous movies I've seen in the last year. If the theater weren't half-filled by grumpy white folks, I would've been workin' it in the aisle.

MUZIK: M is for MUZIK

2006-03-08T18:08:00.000-06:00

The spring mix is in the works. Email me to suggest songs or request a copy.

CHEKIT: The Crappiest Invention of All Time

2006-03-07T11:16:00.000-06:00

Nick Schulz over at Slate has some issues with that creepy bathoom convenience, the auto-flush toilet:

To understand why hands-free toilet technology stinks, you must first understand three things that any well-designed loo should permit you to do.
1) Clean the pool. You must be able to flush the toilet easily before sitting down, in case any detritus remains from a previous, inconsiderate visitor.
2) Clean the pool, again. You must be able to flush more than once after you are done. Some of us are more prolific than others, and courteous patrons will want to ensure that Point 1 is unnecessary for whomever follows.
3) Issue a courtesy flush. If you plan to settle down with the sports page, you should flush immediately after dropping the kids at the pool. There's no need to let the kids linger any longer than absolutely necessary. This is for the benefit of other visitors.
Remarkably, the automatic-flush toilet makes all three of these tasks more difficult. Consider the following scenario: You enter a nearly full house, and only one stall is free. This is probably because those who got to the restroom first saw the remains of someone else's visit and moved on to one of the cleaner stalls. (See Point 1 above.) What are you to do? The only way to clean the pool is to sit down and let the latrine laser register your presence. Then you must get up and hope you sat on top of the foul commode long enough to "tell" the laser to issue a flush command. Meanwhile, the other patrons are probably aware that you are going through this humiliating exercise, as they saw the stall's condition before you arrived.

I, too, have experienced the dreaded "ghost flush" in which an auto-flush toilet initiates the flushing process while you're still in situ, spraying toilet water up onto your bum. If this were a bidet, that would be one thing, but it's most likely an airport toilet, where God-knows-what - including what you've just contributed - is being splashed up onto you.

MUZIK: Natalie Portman, the Lonely Island boys, and SNL

2006-03-06T11:07:00.000-06:00

I've always liked that Natalie Portman gal. Such a sweetheart.

CHEKIT: H5N1 be DAMNED. I want some eggs, yo.

2006-03-03T09:22:00.000-06:00

I've toyed with the notion of raising a couple of chickens for a few years now - ultra-fresh eggs taste like a soft-boiled miracle - but I never really gave it any serious thought. (Okay - I did call city hall to see what sorta restrictions there were on keeping farm animals - to their credit, they didn't laugh at me on the phone - at least, not at a volume that I could hear.)

And then, I got this email yesterday:

Hello!

A while ago you contacted us to find out if the eglu was available in the States. Well, we’re just writing to let you know we’ve made it! You can now order an eglu and in recognition of your enthusiasm and pioneering spirit, we are offering you an exclusive opportunity to be one of the first eglu owners in America!

We have developed a brand new website just for you where you can find out more. If you visit www.omlet.us you’ll find all you need to know about the eglu, how to order and of course the useful guides on keeping chickens and rabbits.

Omlet is offering a full service in America – you deserve nothing less! As well as the full range of eglus, in all colours, you can also order fully grown chickens to be sent directly to you. Visit the website and have a look at the beautiful Gingernut Ranger, who is an excellent egg layer.

If you have any questions then we are here to help, you can call us Toll Free on 1-86-OMLET-USA or email info@omlet.us. Our telephone lines are answered between 8am and 6pm CST with an answerphone at all other times.

We really hope you enjoy the website,

Yours,

James, Simon, Will and Johannes

PS. If you order an eglu right away, you’ll benefit from a special introductory price.
PPS. There is a full 30 day moneyback guarantee on the eglu so you have a no risk way of finding out if the eglu is right for you.

Dudes. I think there's a chance of some really asskicking frittatas in my future. Though I have to question the wisdom of the 30 day guarantee. How does one return a chicken via UPS, exactly?

FILM: Nacho Libre

2006-03-02T07:51:00.000-06:00

The quiet little mice over at AICN had this a month ago - but we're all following Harry on this kind of stuff, ain't we?

Hey folks, Harry here... Many of you are addicted to pootykat fracking lame American Wrestling... but the FACTS are, that's exactly what it is... pootykat fracking lame American Wrestling! Real men wear Mexican Masks and Wrestle for God! That's right... Real Wrestling Heroes Pile Drive for the Lord! And there's no more real a Mexican Wrestler than JACK BLACK as NACHO LIBRE! You know it, I know it... and God sure as blazes knows it! First... Behold the Masked Mexican Marvel!

To be fair, I Googled the movie after reading about it on Kotaku, so I gotta credit them both - but I'm realizing that, after posting an excerpt of an internet movie news site item that I read about on a video gaming blog to my own collection of links and web-heavy snarky commentary, maybe I should stop with the posting and the linking and maybe find out what it's like to kiss a girl.

Of course, not all of us can be like Kip, chatting online with babes all day.

That is Pedro, by the way, in the bottom photo, standing next to Jack Black. Nacho Libre is Jared Hess' follow-up project to his 2004 feature about Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance, who summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

Many thanks to PBP and Kingmaker, who, upon hearing I'd never seen the first film, plopped me in front of their TV and Pay-Per-View'd me into cringeworthy, large-taloned bliss.

CHEKIT: Anna Nicole + Antonin

2006-03-01T17:24:00.000-06:00

I wanna root (hee hee) for Anna Nicole Smith. For her and her and her ridiculous jibblies. Even though I know she'd spend the whole wad on bonbons and pink velour track suits. And her dead husband's son? Who WOULDN'T root against that tightass? I mean, Anna Nicole may be a golddigger, but at least she never tried to forge three pages out of her father's will.

The problem is: a certain former Texas govenor is also arguing for the former Vickie Lynn:

Speaking of wealthy Texas oilmen whose lawyers can justify just about anything, the president has joined this appeal on Anna's side. Assistant to the Solicitor General Deanne Maynard has 10 minutes to argue (not surprisingly) for giving more expansive jurisdiction to federal courts. The justices question her very little as she argues that the reason people create trusts—as opposed to wills—is precisely that they want to avoid probate. So, why is this a probate matter at all?

It's not that I'm reflexively opposed to anything il Bushe has to say. It just gives me the creepy crawlies when he and I want the same thing - though I'm convinced his position is less about expanding the power of the Federal courts and more about having an excuse to giggle when discussing filing amicus curiae briefs. ("hee hee! I'd like to be a friend of her court! Ha! Briefs! Hopefully mine! Wooo! She's a Texas girl, right, Dick? She knows how to party!")

Sex, money, and distinguished legal commentators making veiled comments about enormous boobie s. I love SCOTUS!

CHEKIT: America's Best Restroom

2006-02-28T12:21:00.000-06:00

If you're anything like this guy, or just generally squeamish about using public restrooms, the folks over at Cintas have five places for you to do your business in:

–– All Season Bistro, Lansing, MI
–– Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa, Atlantic City, NJ
–– Hemenways, Providence, RI
–– Quad City International Airport, Moline, IL
–– Wendell's Restaurant

As ridiculous awards go, this is one contest I can actually get behind. Because I ain't going back to any restaurant with a nasty loo no matter how good the chow is.

Well - maybe this place.

FILM: OscarPool Reminder

2006-02-27T11:23:00.000-06:00

Don't forget to send in your OscarPool 2006 picks! The big shindig is this Sunday - so fill out those ballots, yo!

CHOW: Sunday Dinner Club

2006-02-27T10:45:00.000-06:00

I love Chicago.

This is what I had to eat last night:

Sunday Dinner Club

Sun. Feb 26th and Thurs. March 2^nd, 2006

A Tribute to Pork

First

House-made Sausage

Pork Dumpling

Second

Grilled Loin with Cavolo Nero, and Cherry Gastrique

Third

Mixed Greens with Pancetta, Quail Egg and Croutons

Main

Braised Shoulder with White Corn Polenta, Roasted Beets, Salsify, Crispy Skins and Caramelized Onions

Dessert

Bacon Wrapped Mascarpone-filled Dates with Sherry Reduction

Christine, Jason and Josh cooked for PBP, Kingmaker, me and 11 other lucky bastards. Everyone, from the folks in the kitchen to our fellow foodie-minded dinner guests, were charming and cool. I wish, I WISH I could tell you where we ate. I wish I could send you into their kitchen.

But I can't.

Many, many props to Madman, MixMaster K and Miz Eng for the heads up.

---------------------

Date: Friday, January 6, 2006
Edition: Chicago Final
Section: Tempo
Source: By Monica Eng, Tribune staff reporter

PSSSSSST!
Hey, buddy, care for some ...
BRUSSELS SPROUT LEAVES?
Underground dining surfaces in Chicago

This summer I sneaked around New York eating scrumptious meals in secret, unlicensed restaurants. I finished my report with a wistful lament about the lack of such cool places in Chicago.
The lament was genuine but also almost a dare for underground chefs to come out of the woodwork.
It worked.
Within a few weeks, I was contacted about something called the Sunday Dinner Club. It's like a tiny private restaurant open twice a month in a toasty Wicker Park apartment, where three cooking school graduates serve up delightful meals along with a large helping of bonhomie.
The bad news: I can't tell you where it is and how to get reservations. That's all a secret. Like the places I wrote about in NYC, this restaurant operates through personal referrals only. Also, even though the payments for the meals are called "donations," the place is not a licensed restaurant.
And such under-the-radar ventures tend to make Chicago officials antsy, even if it's not entirely clear which officials should be feeling the ants.
"If they are operating illegally, then we would want to look into it as soon as possible and take any and all appropriate action," says Tim Hadac at the Chicago Department of Public Health. "But in terms of whether or not they are operating as a business, the final arbiter would be the Department of Revenue."
So I called the Department of Revenue to get the final word, and its representative told me that it would actually be matter for the Department of Business Affairs and Licensing.
So I called Rosa Escareno at the Department of Business Affairs and Licensing and she told me: "The term 'donation' is vague. But any time there is money changing hands then it could be considered a retail food establishment and it would need a license. But in terms of the rules on where they could prepare the foods, that would be the Department of Public Health."
So to avoid being busted by any of those departments, the trio of chefs has asked for their last names and specifics on their day jobs at -- let's just say--"fancy" Chicago restaurants to be withheld.
On the licensing matter, one of the chefs whose first name is Christine responds, "We consider ourselves more of a supper club than underground restaurant. Admission is based on friends, family and referrals only. We are not open to the public at large. Any suggested monetary contributions made by our guests are to cover the cost of food."
Christine and the other two chefs -- Josh and Jason -- are complete foodies.
So when they read another piece about underground restaurants early last year they thought, "Wow, why don't we do this too?" Christine remembered.
Soon after, they wrote to tell me about this ambitious twice-monthly venture that had them serving sumptuous five-course meals in their home for a donation of around $45 a person.
After reading the tempting menus they sent me from previous dinners, I signed up for the next possible spot. The week of the dinner, I got an e-mail with the address of the house hosting the dinner. And on the appointed night, my mom and I navigated Wicker Park's one way streets to finally locate the vintage brick two-flat where through the partially steamed-up living room window we could see a friendly group of folks settling in at a long wooden table.
When we entered, the chefs greeted us, took our coats and seated us at the beautifully set table for 10. Lovely smells wafted out of the kitchen as we met our fellow diners, uncorked our wine and munched on Red Hen bakery bread with sweet butter.
Some were proud parents of the young chefs, some were acquaintances and some were friends of friends who'd recently learned of this little dining gem.
As we worked through the courses from bread and amuse bouche to cheese course and dessert, we chatted, sampled one another's wine and got frequent visits from the chefs who were happy to explain the intricacies of their creations. Still, we wondered why hard-working chefs would go through all this bother on their days off, for -- given the quality of the produce -- a pretty slim profit margin.
In the months after writing my story, I learned that profit is not the big motivating factor for these kinds of informal eateries that have been around for many years in various temporary forms. That's because the aim is usually to use the place as a test bed for new concepts, to gain a group of fans and perhaps find bankrollers for a new project among those enthusiasts.
Christine admits she and her compatriots would like to open their own place one day, but for now, she says, it's mostly about having nice people over for dinner and stretching their creative culinary wings.
"I just love having people over at my house and being able to provide amazing food for them," she says. "We make a little money, but it is more about education and showing people what can be done with wonderful seasonal produce or this terrific lamb we found that day. In our day jobs, we are sometimes limited, but this opens up the possibility of doing 99 different types of cuisine, French one week or Thai, Mexican or Italian the next if we want to."
Only friends of those who have already partaken can be referred and invited to the dinners. But the trio can be hired to cater meals in customers' homes by e-mailing them at: info@sundaydinnerchicago.com.
Because of their informal nature, these kinds of restaurants are notoriously ephemeral. Due to lost leases and creative differences, both of the places I ate at in New York vanished within months only to resurface somewhere else. So, if you do manage to get on the Dinner Club list, you'd be wise to try it right away. Because you never know when these dinner parties are going to be over.

I didn't think they could outdo their previous dinner, which was a was so full of interesting textures and clean interpretations of pre- and post-colonial Mexican cuisine that it made you wanna smack your mama.

But they did.

I'm going again on Thursday.

My heart hurts. But it's a good ache.

CHEKIT: Don Knotts dies

2006-02-25T18:34:00.000-06:00

R.I.P., Barney Fife. Whether you were gettin' down with the ladies, shootin' yourself in the foot, or playing a fish, I always thought you were a bit of a pimp. A nervous, gangly, bug-eyed pimp, but a pimp nonetheless.

LL&CB: Dispatch from Indiana, pt. 2

2006-02-24T10:42:00.000-06:00

These cows, by the way, are Vic’s – a man so tough, he fell off the roof of his barn and drove to the neighbors to raise help with two broken arms. Kinda casts my complaining about being out of Band-Aids yesterday into sharp relief.

MUZIK: Sufjan, Matthew Sweet (MATTHEW SWEET!), Susanna Hoffs, and all the gravy and mashed potatoes in the world.

2006-02-23T15:18:00.000-06:00

God bless that bastard Stereogum. Not only is there a cool post about a Spin interview with indie-rock pimp Sufjan -

SUFJAN STEVENS: I don't have the inclination to discover new music. Honestly, I don't really care.

- but later on, Sufjan goes on to talk about one of his favorite albums (a bewildering, but totally awesome choice) -

SUFJAN STEVENS: The Bangles' Everything. This is the first tape I ever bought with my own money. They wrote great songs, were talented performers, and they were supermodels. I know they were ripping off early girl-punk bands from the '70s, but there was something about the way they did it. It was so streamlined and well crafted. This is the one indulgence from the Top 40 that I still like.

And then Stereogum really drops the hammer: Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoffs are putting out an album of sixties covers.

Matthew Sweet & Susanna Hoffs Under The Covers
01. I See The Rain (The Marmalade)
02. And Your Bird Can Sing (The Beatles)
03. It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue (Bob Dylan)
04. Who Knows Where The Time Goes? (Fairport Convention)
05. Cinnamon Girl (Neil Young And Crazy Horse)
06. Alone Again Or (Love)
07. Warmth Of The Sun (The Beach Boys)
08. Different Drum (The Stone Poneys)
09. The Kids Are Alright (The Who)
10. Sunday Morning (The Velvet Underground)
11. Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere (Neil Young)
12. Care Of Cell ..44 (The Zombies)
13. Monday Monday (The Mamas And The Papas)
14. She May Call You Up Tonight (The Left Banke)
15. Run To Me (The Bee Gees)

Matthew Sweet is one of my favorite musicians of all time. During the mid-nineties, I played Girlfriend and Altered Beast until the motor on my CD player whined and smoked in protest. And Susanna Hoffs, in addition to fronting one of the better bands of the eighties, is still HOT LIKE A PRETZEL. And now they're together covering the Beathes and the Beach Boys. And now I'm gonna need some quiet time alone.

Listen to three tracks from the new album here. And get down on your knees and thank the lo' you read this blog.

CHEKIT: A Scanner Darkly

2006-02-22T11:19:00.000-06:00

Richard Linklater is a PIMP. And PKD is on the J-O-B.

CHEKIT: TCW, PBP, WTMX and my sweet, sweet booty.

2006-02-21T14:31:00.000-06:00

A few months ago, PBP decided that she was tired of looking at my mopey, single ass feeling sorry for itself, and let me know she'd nominated me for Today's Chicago Woman's list of Chicago's 50 Most Eligible Singles.

Many of you who know me are wondering, at this point, if PBP is crazy, stupid, blind, or all three. And trust me, when I got the brain-scrambling email from the TCW staff letting me know I'd been nominated, I was right there with you.

A questionnaire soon followed, and thinking nothing would come of it, I gave responses in a manner I thought would guarantee TCW wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole tied to the end of a twenty-foot pole - answers such as:

3. My friends describe me as: “oh, about 5’ 10”, about 160, 165 pounds. Black hair. Clean. Psychotic.”

5. Something about myself most people don’t know, or that’s the most surprising: I’m trying to learn conversational Latin, which is a little like trying to learn Klingon, except only slightly less dorky. Only slightly. Vae mihi! Num amputandus est? (Oh CRAP! Will it have to be amputated?)

15. The three things I would take with me to a deserted island: My iPod, a generator to charge my iPod, and a boat to travel back and forth from the mainland so I can get gas to run the generator to charge my iPod. And I know you said three things – but also, maybe some beef jerky.

25. Life motto: “certis de causis hodie malo aringum aceto perfusum.” (For various reasons, I would prefer a pickled herring today.)

Apparently, though, black-haired, clean and psychotic is exactly what they're looking for over at TCW - because, with the exception of most of the above responses, they printed everything else. Including my picture. I look like a dork.

Looking at some of my listmates' mugs and reading our profiles, I gotta tell ya, single-Chicagoland - most of the selections make sense...but if I'm part of the best the city has to offer, you're better off with some Ben & Jerry's, some C-cell batteries and "The Notebook" on pay-per-view. And a fifth of bourbon.

I'm mentioning this here because, if you're in town around the 9th of March, you should come to the Hyatt Regency downtown and help me celebrate with the other 49 Chicago-area singletons appearing in this month's issue. It's for a good cause and it's open bar. And if watching me make a goober out of myself while drinking for charity isn't a good enough reason to buy a ticket, then I don't know what is.

Please understand - It's not that I don't think this whole thing is a little bit cool. It's just a little bewildering, is all.

P.S.: As part of the ridiculousness, I'm also gonna be on this show tomorrow night. I need four questions to ask these women and I'm FREAKING OUT. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

CHEKIT: Olympic Hotness

2006-02-21T10:04:00.000-06:00

...and I ain't talkin' about the flame, baby.

Much is often made of the tastiness of Olympic athletes, but whether it's the proliferation of internet coverage on the subject or a worldwide increase in competitor hotness, the 2006 shindig in Turin will go down as the year America fielded what is widely regarded as the best-looking - if not the most medal-worthy - team in history. I mean, Bode's suckin' it up, the hockey team got beat down again, and even our women curlers have been knocked out of medal contention. What else do we have to do but savor our dominance in all things snowboard and watch the final round of Ice Dancing and thank our Republican congress that they finally passed a measure that I can, unreservedly, get behind.

Tanith, Tanith, Tanith. You're gonna melt a hole RIGHT THROUGH THE ICE Congrats on your silver medal - to you and whats-his-face.

And don't tell me that I'm being nasty, female Dispatches readers. I've got her, the Johnson sisters, and Jessica Schultz. You ladies have all this and more.

CHEKIT: I swear to God, that kid could sell nuclear waste.

2006-02-20T11:42:00.000-06:00

I met Peanut Butter Parfait's sister's daughter this weekend - she's the two-year-old footie-clad curly-headed pile of adorableness you see enjoying my reading of "Mr. Feezes Gets the Sneezes." You think she's cute in the picture? Put her in an infomercial with an 800 number in front of a pile of manure, and you'll have thousands of folks ordering hot donkey turds over the phone.

It was nice to meet you, Lily. Hope to see you and your little white-girl afro soon.

More photos from Park City to come.

HOUSEKEEPING: Sorry I was away...

2006-02-20T10:02:00.000-06:00

...the Man had his boots planted firmly on my nuts. And then I went on vacation.

But I'm back now. Dispatches now resumes regularly scheduled programming.

LL&CB: You sometimes sad and sweet and crazy girl.

2006-02-15T10:17:00.000-06:00

FooBaRoo requested that I rerun this post from way back. I know it's a copout for those three or four of you wanting new LL&CB content, but hey - I just got a REQUEST. Who knows when that'll happen again?

Anyway. Happy Belated Valentine's Day.

MUZIK: More Beastles from DJ BC

2006-02-13T09:27:00.000-06:00

BB once again proves itself the oracle of all things clickworthy with the heads-up on DJ BC's newest collection of Beastie-Boys/Beatles mash-ups. Download the newest collection and the last set of dope tracks here.

MUZIK: Pandora

2006-02-10T10:01:00.000-06:00

The best thing for folks who like music since the iPod. And, in some ways, even better. Go. GO NOW.

CHEKIT: Babies' Cells Linger, May Protect Mothers

2006-02-09T07:23:00.000-06:00

No matter what a rat bastard you've been to your mom, there's a chance that - unless you've actually gone and had her killed - you might be doing her some good (from NPR, via Slashdot):

Some scientists have proposed that when a woman has a baby, she gets not just a son or a daughter, but a gift of cells that stays behind and protects her for the rest of her life. That's because a baby's cells linger in its mom's body for decades and -- like stem cells -- may help to repair damage when she gets sick. It's such an enticing idea that even the scientists who came up with the idea worry that it may be too beautiful to be true.

MUZIK: Mash-ups - Best of Bootie

2006-02-08T10:43:00.000-06:00

For better or for worse, mash-ups are here to stay. Copyright issues aside, it's some of the most inventive music on the web. If you liked The Grey Album or The Beastles, you'll love what the folks over at BootieSF have for you - 20 of the best tracks from last year.

CHOW: Hot Chocolate

2006-02-07T09:55:00.000-06:00

Peanut Butter Parfait is a gastronome of the first order, and eating with her is always a blast. On Friday, we hit up two places I'll be taking folks to soon - Bin Wine Cafe, on Milwaukee, and Hot Chocolate, on Damen. Consider tempura green beans, the perfectly seared tuna or a light and flaky lasagna made with puff pastry instead of noodles...as with the flagship location, Bin Wine Cafe doesn't need plugging - you'll make your way there some post-work evening, run through a couple of wine flights and a mess of cheese and go home with a smile on your face and reservations for the week following.

But as good as the chow was there, the dessert we had at Hot Chocolate was better. PBP ordered banana cake while I had a chocolate souffle that had the consistency of sunshine. The Black and Tan at Hot Chocolate (one-third hot fudge, two-thirds velvety hot chocolate and three-thirds crazy delicious) was a life-changing experience - and that was before I added cognac.

Bin Wine Cafe was cheaper than expected - and Hot Chocolate was more so. But don't sweat the cash - together, they - like the insanely tasty components of the Black and Tan - made for a great evening. Much love to PBP for the Hot Chocolate tip. Thanks, buddy!

CHEKIT: Wack-ass mind-controlling ninja wasps hijacks cockroaches then uses them to feed their young.

2006-02-06T12:01:00.000-06:00

I could almost get behind Intelligent Design after reading about this wasp. Almost.

Talk about the heeblie-jeeblies.

Science is cool. And creepy. And gross. (Thanks to BB.)

As an adult, Ampulex compressa seems like your normal wasp, buzzing about and mating. But things get weird when it's time for a female to lay an egg. She finds a cockroach to make her egg's host, and proceeds to deliver two precise stings. The first she delivers to the roach's mid-section, causing its front legs buckle. The brief paralysis caused by the first sting gives the wasp the luxury of time to deliver a more precise sting to the head.

The wasp slips her stinger through the roach's exoskeleton and directly into its brain. She apparently use ssensors along the sides of the stinger to guide it through the brain, a bit like a surgeon snaking his way to an appendix with a laparoscope. She continues to probe the roach's brain until she reaches one particular spot that appears to control the escape reflex. She injects a second venom that influences these neurons in such a way that the escape reflex disappears.

From the outside, the effect is surreal. The wasp does not paralyze the cockroach. In fact, the roach is able to lift up its front legs again and walk. But now it cannot move of its own accord. The wasp takes hold of one of the roach's antennae and leads it--in the words of Israeli scientists who study Ampulex--like a dog on a leash.

The zombie roach crawls where its master leads, which turns out to be the wasp's burrow. The roach creeps obediently into the burrow and sits there quietly, while the wasp plugs up the burrow with pebbles. Now the wasp turns to the roach once more and lays an egg on its underside. The roach does not resist. The egg hatches, and the larva chews a hole in the side of the roach. In it goes.

The larva grows inside the roach, devouring the organs of its host, for about eight days. It is then ready to weave itself a cocoon--which it makes within the roach as well. After four more weeks, the wasp grows to an adult. It breaks out of its cocoon, and out of the roach as well. Seeing a full-grown wasp crawl out of a roach suddenly makes those Alien movies look pretty derivative.

CHEKIT: Talk About Renting a Hole in the Wall

2006-02-03T08:26:00.000-06:00

I know finding affordable housing in New York is like trying to find a virgin in a hotel & restaurant management program, but this is ridiculous:

So you think your place is small? One night recently, a group of architecture students staying up late in a loft in Brooklyn took to amusing themselves by stuffing a mattress into a hole cut into the wall above a bedroom door. Then they tried the mattress out for comfort. Not half bad! It occurred to one of them, Nick Freeman, that people might pay money to call that elevated mattress home.
So Mr. Freeman posted an ad on the Web site Craigslist: "$35 — elevated mattress-sized space between rooms." He used a minimalist pitch. "Opening between hall and room available for long/short-term use, accessible by ladder, sheets and pillows not provided." The ad went up around noon, and by the end of that day, Mr. Freeman had a dozen potential takers.

FILM: OscarPool 2006

2006-02-02T07:16:00.000-06:00

Dispatches presents:
OscarPool 2006!

It's pretty straightforward - go here to download your ballot (if you're submitting electronically, use the "oscarpicksonline.doc" document - if you plan on seeing me and submitting a physical document or just want a reference sheet for your picks, print out "oscarpoolballot.pdf").

Fill it out and send it along to pcdq at yahoo dot com (subject line "OscarPool.") Find a way to get me $5 (either via snail mail or PayPal - if you have questions about this, email me and I'll talk you through it).

Enter as often as you like!

3rd place this year will receive a DVD of their choice from any of this year’s nominees from any category.
2nd place will pay 20 percent of the total prize pool.
1st place will pay 80 percent.

Please note:
Correct picks in certain categories are worth more than others.
Winners will be notified via MetLife Blimp.

Feel free to forward this onto other folks you know! The more the merrier.

Look for updates on the Oscar race and other OscarPool 2006 info in the next few weeks.

Don't hesitate to email me with questions or requests for additional ballots.

All ballots are due 3 p.m. CST, Sunday, March 5th. That is to say - I will be checking my email inbox at 3 p.m. and if your ballot ain't there, you're SOL.

Also - if I don't already know you - when you send your entry in, lemme know how you heard about Dispatches and/or OscarPool 2006!

Good luck!

POLITIK: State of the Union analysis round-up

2006-02-01T11:12:00.000-06:00

A list of post-SOTU commentary/analysis/partisan-carping-related links for your perusal. In case you didn't watch - oil is bad, apparently. Which kinda makes the war we're currently fighting a little puzzling, right?

Wonkette provides pre- and post-game scuttlebutt...and her royal highness returns to liveblog the evening.

The NYT's take.

Slate gives it a miss.

And now, for the first, and hopefully last time here on Dispatches, two commentaries from the National Review. [Uno] [Dos] Just pasting those links into this post makes me want to wipe down the computer with Purel.

I guess droppin' some Daily Kos on you would serve as well to get the taste of Conservative out of your mouth.

CHEKIT: Ask a Ninja

2006-02-01T07:00:00.000-06:00

I’m so so so late to this one. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t put it up, right?

Strong Bad Email + Real Ultimate Power = Crazy Delicious. ‘I look forward to killing you soon.” Holy pee-pants.

CHEKIT: Whizzball is NOT the name of some really gross high school prank.

2006-01-31T08:58:00.000-06:00

If this were an actual toy, I would never leave the house. EVER. As is, I’m having trouble getting to work on time with just the Shockwave simulation to deal with.

I’m ready to proclaim Whizzball the greatest time sucker in the history of time suckers. Clever, infuriating, and just plain satisfying – and cool. Don’t forget COOL AS SHIT.

CHEKIT: Fussy

2006-01-30T06:55:00.000-06:00

She's married, she's got an adorable kid, and when not documenting her hair, she’s rocking out to mix tapes made by friends for her son.

Not as funny as Dooce, but still pretty linkworthy. I mean, the woman mentions Black Sabbath and Larousse Gastronomique in the same post. RAWK. (MoJo Jo Jo not only clicks cool, she IS cool.)

MUZIK: Apparently, Axl Rose plays for the Cardinals.

2006-01-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

Guns 'N Roses? I could take or leave them. But I would at least listen to, if not buy the new GNR album, if only to relive the glory days of browsing through longboxes at Sam Goody. Somebody's gotta do something about Axl's hair, though. Good God, man.

CHEKIT: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre

2006-01-26T10:33:00.000-06:00

MoJo Jo Jo keeps kickin' the sweet links with this gem from Angry Alien - if you've seen these bits on Starz! then you understand why everything is better with bunnies.

MUZIK: "KITT, hit the wooka-chakka!"

2006-01-25T11:03:00.000-06:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is, indeed, David Hasselhoff in a bush hat, covering Blue Suede covering B.J. Thomas. I'm not sure whether to thank Weeble for tipping me to this link or bring her before a war crimes tribunal.

CHEKIT: Deal or No Deal.

2006-01-24T10:57:00.001-06:00

I was trying to explain the appeal of the new NBC game show Deal or No Deal to Mojo Jo Jo yesterday, and she was asking the same questions I think the programmers at NBC were asking when they heard the pitch: What the hell? Why is every man, woman and child in the Netherlands, UK and Australia watching this thing?

After watching one episode and yelling at the TV until I was hoarse, I knew. And she will, too. And so will you.

MUZIK: Aaron Bull + Mr. Piss = crazy delicious.

2006-01-23T11:53:00.000-06:00

It was bound to happen. The man behind waxy.org got his niece and nephew to record a cover of the best SNL bit in the last five years. (hats off to Stereogum.)

CHEKIT: Squirrels-For-You.com

2006-01-20T11:29:00.000-06:00

I know it SOUNDS like something dirty, but in reality, Phil and Kathy Tanny are two folks who, in addition to several other web ventures, run a site documenting their rehabilitation of squirrels found in abandoned nests. Watch the videos and brace yourself for near-fatal levels of rodenty fun. (Many thanks to the C.O. for the tip.)

CHEKIT: Reunited, and it feels so good

2006-01-19T21:56:00.000-06:00

37 years ago, Alan Poster's '68 Corvette was stolen from a Brooklyn parking garage. Tuesday, he got it back:

The case was given to two detectives in the auto crimes division in Queens, Cliff Bieder, 44, and William Heiser, 41. They went to police headquarters in Lower Manhattan, and to Room 300, the daunting records room, to search on microfilm. If they had not found the report by Jan. 1, the car would have been shipped to Sweden, they said.
"It was the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack, that report," Detective Heiser said. "One of the guys bet us a steak dinner we wouldn't find it."
With 44 years' experience between them, the detectives spent four days in Room 300, squinting at fine print - "Our eyes were hurting," Detective Bieder said - when Detective Heiser found the report on Dec. 23. He told his partner. "I thought he was going to pass out," he said.
Finding Mr. Poster was easier. The detectives tracked him through the buyer of his last house in the New York metropolitan region, who said he lived in California. Mr. Poster said Detective Bieder called him at his office.
"He said, 'You had a car stolen in '69? A Corvette? What color was it?'" Mr. Poster recalled. "I said, 'Blue.' He said, 'We have your car.' "

CHEKIT: Kittenwar!

2006-01-18T07:03:00.000-06:00

Because you love kittens. And because Cute Overload didn't provide enough squeezy huggableness, we present Kittenwar. You might as well clock out now.

CHOW: Home grown booze

2006-01-17T09:49:00.000-06:00

Folks are always talking about their friend who threw away a high-paying job to start a new career doing something they love - and coming up big. Derek and Sonja Kesselbaum's another couple you can root for - especially when what they've got is nothing less than love in a bottle that they want to share with you:

The lemon peels are among the ten botanicals Kassebaum uses to make his Distiller’s Gin No. 6, one of the two products he’s created thus far for North Shore Distillery, the company he and his wife, Sonja, started in Lake Bluff in October 2004. It’s the first small-batch distillery in Illinois... The centerpiece of the couple’s mostly empty 5,000-square-foot warehouse space is the custom-made 250-liter brass still they purchased from Arnold Holstein, a high-end German manufacturer. After nearly two years of research, planning, and waiting for a federal license, the Kassebaums began making their premium gin and vodka in November. They’re already in a dozen liquor stores (including Sam’s Wines and Spirits) and nearly two dozen bars and restaurants, among them Blackbird, Extra Virgin, and Saltaus.

Good luck, guys!

CHOW: FOODBlog

2006-01-16T11:50:00.000-06:00

Roaming around for more food-related blogginess, I came upon Kiplog's nearly-obscene post about Paulina Market:

The lamb loins were braised in fennel, carrot and onion, with and served with some root vegetable puree and wild rice with some of the ground goose and mushrooms.

That noise you're hearing that sounds like a train in the distance? It's my stomach trying to eat itself.

CHEKIT: "And now, the purple dusk of twilight time..."

2006-01-16T10:29:00.000-06:00

The difficulties faced by the U.S. missile defense program are well-documented - but cast into a more puzzling light this week. Maybe those boys in the Pentagon should talk to them rocket-jockeys over at NASA - instead of hitting a bullet wih a bullet, they sent a bullet to take a bite out of a gigantic, bright-white orbiting bullet and brought that bite and the first bullet back to earth. No small feat for an agency that was, until recently, struggling to regain relevance. I mean, seriously - did you know that those two little rovers are still running?

CHEKIT: Million Dollar Homepage

2006-01-13T08:03:00.000-06:00

Much love to BB for the tip to the Washington Post story about, well, the most stupidly brilliant idea I've heard in a long while:

Look what Alex Tew did, and you get one of those "Why didn't I think of that?" flashes. It's so simple, so cheap, so mind-bogglingly lucrative that it took the 21-year-old student from small-town Wiltshire, England, not even five months to go from broke to millionaire.
Worried about paying his college tuition last August, Tew chanced upon one of those rare original money-making ideas. How about creating an Internet Web page out of 1 million blank pixels? And then selling those pinhead-size digital picture elements that make up a computer screen for a dollar apiece, or $100 per 10-by-10-pixel block, to advertisers who turn them into colorful tiny billboards and micro logos linked to their own Web sites?
And why not call this new marketing monstrosity "The Million Dollar Homepage" -- since Tew stood to make a million bucks?
At exactly 1:42:28 p.m. EST today, Tew can post a "sold out" sign on the Million Dollar Homepage. The spiky-haired Brit put the last thousand pixels up for auction on eBay 10 days ago with a $1 starting bid for the lot. With 24 hours to go, yesterday's bidding reached $152,300, putting him over the million-dollar mark.

It's hideous - and brilliant.

CHEKIT: Only one thing smells like bacon and that's BACON!

2006-01-12T10:34:00.000-06:00

One of the signature lines in my outgoing email used to be:

"I would kill you and your dog for a decent BLT."

It drove my friend Attractive Nuisance batty (the nickname is some legal term - apparently, this makes lawyers squirt milk out of their noses - don't ask because I don't know). My constant reminders of the most delicious of the sandwich acronyms were undermining her resolve to eat better, according to her.

The signature is different now. She grudgingly thanked me once she realized I'd changed it, implying that while she appreciated it, DAMN, BABY, it had taken me long enough.

Well, Attractive Nuisance. I'm glad it's one less thing bringing you down. But don't think I've sold out my main man Bacon. No no no. I know you, too, deep down, are still entranced by its fatty, salty, crimson charms.

I mean, at one point, haven't we all yelled "PLEASE, PLEASE GIMME WHAT'S IN THE BAG!"?

CHEKIT: "The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."

2006-01-12T09:23:00.000-06:00

If Chuck Norris were a vaccine, it would prevent every disease known to man. The only side effect would be an irresistable urge to roundhouse kick everybody. And facial hair.

I know I'm a little late to the party on this, but Ninjaburger just clued me in to the awesomeness that is Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

I can't tell if this site or the other one came first. Either way - he's a badass.

MUZIK: A mosquito, a libido, buona sera?

2006-01-11T09:10:00.000-06:00

Listen - I know some of you think I listen to some wack-ass shit, but believe me - everything that has come before steps aside and bows its head when Dokaka walks into the room. Ask my man at Said the Gramophone - he knows the deal:

Okay we've all heard those goofy covers by college acapella groups, jazz-hands fellows doing vocal acrobatics 'round "Creep" or, yeah, this one too. But what makes Dokaka special is that he's a Japanese beatbox guy who sounds totally insane. As he loops and loops his voice, it's as if a goblin is ripping its face off, running from the dragonflies, a demon being devoured by the rock'n'roll that Nirvana brought. I do clowning when I can, I really do - a theatrical clown in the tradition of LeCoq and stuff, - and Dokaka reminds me of a clown's reaction to a tune like this. Too much feeling to keep it in - being driven gladly, gladly mad by the whoosh of music, gibberish streaming out of your voice like a cartoon-bubble of epithets and delirious grinning birds. And I swear that in the chorus he's speaking italian, offering a friendly "Bona sera!"

I can't help but thinking that Kurt would've loved this version. And other Dokaka stuff, too.

CHEKIT: Cute Overload

2006-01-11T06:54:00.000-06:00

I don't know whether to smile or cry. Possibly both. Now imagine a whole site of stuff like this. Makes you want to hug the WORLD.

LL&CB: Unscheduled Departure.

2006-01-10T08:56:00.000-06:00

That’s 'Suckle's nephew Hunter in the lower left corner. Don’t be fooled by his adorableness – he was trying on my jacket earlier, just in case he could peel it off my paralyzed form if I happened to get bucked into a ditch.

POLITIK: Good luck, Sam - you're gonna need it.

2006-01-09T14:23:00.000-06:00

Everyone's been chiming in with questions they'd be lobbing (or firing out of a field artillery piece) at the newest Supreme Court Justice nominee, and the strategies to get the most out of those questions. Arlen, in his opening remarks this morning, noted that, aside from approving acts of war, few Senatorial duties are as important as the SCOTUS confirmation process - and with the stakes even higher than usual, the next few days of testimony will likely prove to be nasty going. For the Supreme fans, like my favorite, sexy-yet-sensibly voiced NPR correspondent, the last year must've been like doing color commentary on three (well, two-and-a-half) Super Bowls in one year. And as much as I hate to think of enduring another round of this stuff, I hope we get to a fourth.

CHEKIT: Legos + Pastafarianism = Crazy Delicious

2006-01-09T14:01:00.000-06:00

Go through the slide show and realize to what heights those touched by His Noodly Appendage will go to give glory to His name. Praise Be!

MUZIK: I'm cabbage-patching and Roger-Rabbiting to this RIGHT NOW

2006-01-09T01:04:00.000-06:00

I'm throwin' it back to a Dispatches favorite - Stereogum - which is posting a link to a mash-up that is throwin' it back, as well. Everybody seems to be makin' sweet old-school remix love to 50 - and who can blame them, with shit like this droppin', yo?

Hello again.

2006-01-09T00:20:00.000-06:00

Finally, the renovations to Dispatches International Headquarters' historic Clock Tower are almost complete - how-do, Dispatches-ers?

We hope you haven't missed us too badly - but we hope you stick with us - some exciting things are happening, and we hope you can be a part of it.

Firstly - Lava Lamps & Cheap Beer will return to its original format - a weekly column. Look here for links to it every Tuesday, or catch it at its own blog.

Secondly - a new serialized story project, A Nightmare of Chickens and the Civil War, will begin later this month, and repeat every two weeks, and possibly more often if we get enough time. We'd appreciate your feedback.

Also - we've integrated Google Ads into the mothership blog. Funds collected via AdSense will be donated to the Greater Chicago Food Depository - so click on through, folks!

We really did miss you. We hope to see more of you. Welcome back.

LL&CB: Thanks in advance.

2005-09-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

Pressing this button will turn off the music, but will also, one second later, fill this shed with hungry gonorrhea-infected mice, while the free jazz will be replaced by Gilbert Gottfried's audiobook reading of 'The O'Reilly Factor for Kids.'

LL&CB: Bagel.

2005-09-28T12:25:00.000-05:00

Louis Pound’s last bagel was a Magnuson’s Onion, toasted and spread with reduced-fat cream cheese. One half lay a few feet from his outstretched hand, underneath a stool, face down; the other half a few feet further away, leaning up against a carton of orange juice that was, like Louis Pound, leaking its contents onto the floor of the deli.

POLITIK: Two Thousand and Eight, Bitches!

2005-09-21T08:52:00.000-05:00

I've been busy. What do you want for nothin'?

Sorry.

I'm back now. Who knows for how long, tho. Enjoy me while I last.

That last bit is, in retrospect, is probably not the best phrase to put out there for attribution.

Anyway.

To the 1.5 conservative nutjobs that read this blog because it usually has a non-political bent and makes a nice change from www.iamkarlrovesmanwhore.com:

First of all - JESUS, leave Cindy Sheehan alone. If you lost your kid in a war thousands of miles away, you'd probably go a little batty, too. She's earned the right to make a little noise. I mean, seriously. And if the administration can't handle this woman - an adminstration so adept at spinning everything else that it makes Goebbels look like a guy dressed as a giant hot dog handing out coupons - then she must be striking a chord that the conservatives obviously can't learn the fingering to.

Secondly – look - I’m not gonna argue the point with you - Ann Coulter is HOT. I'm not one of those catty everything-right-is-wrong folks. Indisputably HOT. Hot like a pretzel. Which makes her stances all the more dangerous. I mean, hot AND eloquent? She's a conservative WMD. She could wipe out whole rooms of centrist thinking with just one well-timed flash of a belly chain.

And I gotta agree with MB on this: Rove is a PIMP. And the most cynical man on earth. To deny his aplomb with the conservative base is folly.

But the hole is getting deeper, right-wingers. The daily news from Iraq is, on the whole - as a friend of mine covering the war is fond of saying - "Different numbers, same brown people." Civil war, if not imminent, will likely require an increased commitment of troops and materiel to prevent. And whether or not the tragedy of Katrina's aftermath is wholly the federal government's fault or not, Bush is going to carry some, if not most of the blame. (That Times-Picayne story about a drop-off in federal funding for the Army Corps projects from a few years back is going to TOTALLY screw you guys.)

In November 2004, after the election, I wished, jokingly and somewhat darkly, that the war in Iraq would go south and that the economy would tank, just so the redder portions of the red states could froth and piss and moan for a few years before having to admit that they'd elected a dunderhead AGAIN - because they wanted to elect someone who said he stood up for them, and the well-being of their families - even though much of the previous four years were filled with evidence to the contrary.

I dunno. Bush fucked with the two things that you don’t fuck around with when it comes to preserving goodwill for the midterms, or, for that matter, 2008 – kids (state and local governments are withdrawing from No Child Left Behind) and wallets (deficit spending - as much as I, personally am a fan of it – is no good at the rate it’s compiling.) Not to mention we’ve got a whole bunch of folks who, even though we managed to get rid of the second biggest pain in the ass in their neighborhood, are still super fucking pissed at us for sticking our nose in their business in a way that they couldn’t pretend wasn't happening.

You guys are gonna get your asses moderately spanked in 2006. And then, unless Osama bin Laden shows up on al-Jazeera in a "Savannah is for Lovers" T-shirt and tells his boys to put down their guns and sign up for yoga, 2008 is gonna be NASTY.

Just plain DIRTY.

I wish 41 (Daddy) was still around. Weenie tho he was, he looks positively Clintonian next to his son.

And given how things are going, I think, deep down, even H.W. would consider that a compliment.

MUZIK: Jamiroquai, why hast thou forsaken us?

2005-08-14T14:33:00.000-05:00

The new video for “Hot Flashes,” from New York outfit 33Hz is Tron-a-licious, but reminiscent of a certain nu-blu brit whose skills with the funk are, sorry to say, vastly superior. Watch, and wish for better days – specifically, ones in the mid-nineties when Jay Kay ruled the planet.

CHEKIT: Bouncy!

2005-08-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

A San Francisco Street + a camera crew + a Sony commercial budget + 10,000 Superballs = AWESOME.

Watch video footage here.

CHEKIT: 125 Questions: What don’t we know?

2005-08-12T14:13:00.000-05:00

The journal Science is celebrating 125 years of frightening and fascinating coffee-table reading by asking 125 big-picture questions, the answers to which may be unknowable – but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. By way of an introduction, author Tim Siegfried talks about what we think we know, and what history tells us we probably don’t:

Science's greatest advances occur on the frontiers, at the interface between ignorance and knowledge, where the most profound questions are posed. There's no better way to assess the current condition of science than listing the questions that science cannot answer. "Science," Gross declares, "is shaped by ignorance."

There have been times, though, when some believed that science had paved over all the gaps, ending the age of ignorance. When Science was born, in 1880, James Clerk Maxwell had died just the year before, after successfully explaining light, electricity, magnetism, and heat. Along with gravity, which Newton had mastered 2 centuries earlier, physics was, to myopic eyes, essentially finished. Darwin, meanwhile, had established the guiding principle of biology, and Mendeleyev's periodic table--only a decade old--allowed chemistry to publish its foundations on a poster board. Maxwell himself mentioned that many physicists believed the trend in their field was merely to measure the values of physical constants "to another place of decimals."

The counterintuitive yet fascinating title of this project is, also counterintuitively, inspiring. The list of top 25 questions make you wanna grab a lab coat and write a grant proposal - or at least read about those that are wearing those coats and spending that grant money already:

Are we alone in the universe?
…Alone, in all that space? Not likely. Just do the numbers: Several hundred billion stars in our galaxy, hundreds of billions of galaxies in the observable universe, and 150 planets spied already in the immediate neighborhood of the sun. That should make for plenty of warm, scummy little ponds where life could come together to begin billions of years of evolution toward technology-wielding creatures like ourselves. No, the really big question is when, if ever, we'll have the technological wherewithal to reach out and touch such intelligence. With a bit of luck, it could be in the next 25 years…

CHEKIT: It's like that old game Cannonball, with nicer graphics and more math.

2005-08-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

No matter how badass or how schlumpy the graphics, give a game good gameplay and watch folks from far and wide play the living crap out of it.

This site is chock full of Flash fun that fits the bill. Eagle Eye, especially, has been tossing chunks of my productivity into a blender, and pureeing it into a delicious, creamy smoothie of time-wastingness.

CHOW: There actually is a valley. And a ranch. Which is hidden.

2005-08-10T14:19:00.000-05:00

I’m a big a fan of Ranch dressing; in my opinion, no hot wing is complete without a brief dip in the zesty goo. I’m not alone, apparently – Slate reports that “ranch dressing has been the nation's best-selling salad topper since 1992” and shows no sign of giving up the title anytime soon. It wasn’t until the early 80s that Ranch dressing really took off, however, when the scientists over at Clorox – yes, the bleach people – gave us better salad through chemistry:

The packets were problematic: You had to blend the herbs with both mayonnaise and buttermilk to create the dressing, and very few households kept a spare carton of buttermilk in the fridge. But the Hensons' product sold reasonably well, and in 1972, the Clorox Company bought the Hidden Valley Ranch brand for $8 million.

Before ranch could become a national favorite, however, the scientists at Clorox had to reformulate the original recipe and make it easier to use. First, the great minds behind Pine-Sol and Liquid-Plumr added butter flavoring to the seasoning so home chefs could make the dressing with plain milk. But the real breakthrough came in 1983, with the debut of bottled—or, in the lingo of the dressing industry, "shelf stable"—Hidden Valley Ranch. At that time, more and more dressings were being sold in nonrefrigerated bottles; today, according to the market-research firm Mintel, shelf-stable dressings account for 82 percent of sales in the $1.7 billion industry. Ranch presented a serious challenge, because its high dairy content makes it susceptible to quick spoilage. But Clorox managed to add the right blend of preservatives to give the dressing a shelf life of approximately 150 days. (The science behind Clorox's innovation is secret, though it's a safe bet that Steve Henson's original recipe didn't call for calcium disodium ethylenediaminetetraacetate.)

And now, some gratuitous Toothpaste for Dinner:

CHEKIT: Steal my Roommate's cat

2005-08-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

Short on cash? Then respond to this craigslist posting and, with a little nerve and a high tolerance to cat puke, you can make yourself a quick $100. A few warnings, though, from the pet owner’s roommate:

…It has a nasty habit of throwing up its Friskies filet and pate all over the apartment. Never on an easily cleanable surface either. No, I always come home from work to find piles of barf on the leather couch, the Oriental rug and the shag rug in the bathroom (that one we had to throw out). Last week was in the nineties. What a joy it was for me to come home to my apartment and enter an abode smelling of hot tuna and stomach bile that had been festering in the 80 degree apartment all day. When I opened the door the fumes it me like a punch in the face.

CHEKIT: He's back! With digitally-rendered oompa-loompas in tow!

2005-08-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

I’ve been busy. Real busy. Busy like a bee. Like a bee on deadline, hopped up on methamphetamines and Mountain Dew. I know I’ve been AWOL. But I’ve had work and freelance stuff dropping off the top rope on me. I'm sorry. I know you've been worried. But I'm here now. Dry your tears, little one.

And speaking of little ones...

Once again, technology takes food out of the mouths of hardworking American men and women – and even though I really liked Deep Roy’s performance in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I sympathize with Mr. Pidgeon and his ilk:

Roy’s multifaceted performance has caused some controversy among his peers. In 2004, in a Los Angeles paper, Eugene Pidgeon, an actor and writer turned labor activist for dwarf performers, published a manifesto entitled “Little People’s Progress.” In it, he addressed two key problems: a dearth of decent roles for little people, and the threat to their livelihoods posed by animation technology. “My argument is that if you’re going to computer-generate us out of roles that we have traditionally taken, you have to provide others,” Pidgeon said over the phone from Hollywood. “Oompas, trolls, elves, cupids are just going to disappear en masse.”

CHEKIT: Bottom 10

2005-07-18T12:23:00.000-05:00

It hasn't been this funny in awhile - but the latest Strong Bad E-mail is everything you love about Homestarrunner - with even some booty shakin' thrown in.

CHEKIT: Diagnosis - GAY.

2005-07-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

CSOTD directed us over to this important health news update from The Swift Report.

TOPEKA, KS—When Marybeth Witty stumbled upon her husband Dale watching a pornographic video on the internet, she knew something was wrong. Instead of looking at images of nude high school cheerleaders and young shaved lesbians as he often had in the past, the 37-year old auto parts salesman was taking in hot guy-on-guy action. "As soon as I saw what he was looking at I knew something was different," said Marybeth, a part-time manicurist who enjoys scrapbooking. "This was not the same Dale."

This news couldn't have come at a more providential time - my grandfather is about to get a kidney from a Republican.

CHEKIT: "green light no holds barred"

2005-07-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

I had no idea this part of Craigslist even existed, but Ninjaburger sent me this post from their Best Of section - reading it, I felt like a seventh grader – a seventh grader about to experience a mother-related, fart-anecdote-induced embolism accompanied by incontinence and abdominal cramping, that is:

You have to understand, the fart is so rotten that you can't even pretend you don't notice it. It's unavoidable. It's like a human stink bomb. So of course everybody is standing in line wanting answers to the same question which is, "Who farted?" Everybody starts looking at each other like they are playing the board game Clue. This is actually my favorite part of going to Costco with my mom. She should get an Academy Award for every time she farts and then plays like she didn't do it. She'll start lookin' around, everybody else is looking at eachother, it's basically like a game of Texas Hold 'Em. Some people even become animated and start pulling their shirts up over their noses. My mom just looks around like, "Oh dear, who farted?" She knows it's her! The least she can do is apologize.

CHEKIT: Orisinal

2005-07-13T19:02:00.000-05:00

Ferry Halim designs games that look like watercolor illustrations from children’s books, and have the subdued, hypnotic charm of a musical kaleidoscope. They’re also crazily addictive and fun to play.

CHEKIT: Diner Dash

2005-07-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

All the fun of restaurant entrepreneurship without the 16-hour days and bribing health inspectors. Give it a go.