No, you're not hallucinating - that map is a lot bluer than it used to be. And according to RT Strategies and Constituent Dynamics (the two firms that make up Majority Watch - ohhhh, polling data HURTS, don't it, red-staters? It BURNS, don't it?) it only looks like it's getting worse for the GOP.
But motherfuckers - and by that, I mean my Blue Blazers, my blue brothers and sistahs - that don't mean SHIT.
Listen up, dammit. I'm talkin' to you, Mr. I Need To Get An Oil Change. I'm poking you in the chest, Mr. I've Got A Regular Basketball Game. I don't care if the incumbent in your district is gonna win by 28 points - and I definitely don't care if all you've heard is how the Democrats are gonna make the Republicans their butt boys this fall.
VOTE, MOTHERFUCKER!
PLAN TO GET YOURSELF TO YOUR POLLING PLACE ON ELECTION DAY AND DO IT TO IT, OR I WILL CRAM A DIEBOLD MACHINE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'RE GONNA BE SPITTING PAPER RECEIPTS.
Do you UNDERSTAND how crazy those right-wing get-out-the-vote organizers are? I'm talking about thousands of mysterious black vans patrolling GOP strongholds across the country, pumping out radio signals that control tiny neural microchips implanted in conservative base member's brain stems - and suddenly, millions of disaffected (but registered) Republicans who were planning to sit this one out are stomping, zombie-like, into their local precincts. Don't tell me I'm crazy. DON'T TELL ME CRAZY SHIT LIKE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN HERE IN AMERICA. A steroid-injecting, womanizing, Austrian who used to get paid for wearing a furry codpiece is the Govenor of California. The second-most powerful man in the country has the nickname "Turd Blossom," bestowed upon him by THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
Go to Jiffy Lube TOMORROW. Your regular game - schedule it for that Wednesday. Get your hair cut later. Wake up early the day of. Treat yourself to a doughnut. AND PUNCH THOSE HOLES - TOGGLE THEM LEVERS - PRESS THOSE TOUCH SCREENS. Because, goddamnit, if we fuck up this momentum, if we manage to squander the biggest blue push since the New Deal, I will personally find every single one of you lazy motherfuckers that "forgot" or "didn't have time" to vote and beat you with a desk calendar to within an inch of your life. And then I will go to my Republican neighbor's house, grab her 10-year-old-son's shotgun, and shoot you dead.
See you at the polls, bitches. GO BLUE!
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