Tuesday, January 31, 2006

CHEKIT: Whizzball is NOT the name of some really gross high school prank.


If this were an actual toy, I would never leave the house. EVER. As is, I’m having trouble getting to work on time with just the Shockwave simulation to deal with.

I’m ready to proclaim Whizzball the greatest time sucker in the history of time suckers. Clever, infuriating, and just plain satisfying – and cool. Don’t forget COOL AS SHIT.

Monday, January 30, 2006

CHEKIT: Fussy


She's married, she's got an adorable kid, and when not documenting her hair, she’s rocking out to mix tapes made by friends for her son.

Not as funny as Dooce, but still pretty linkworthy. I mean, the woman mentions Black Sabbath and Larousse Gastronomique in the same post. RAWK. (MoJo Jo Jo not only clicks cool, she IS cool.)

Friday, January 27, 2006

MUZIK: Apparently, Axl Rose plays for the Cardinals.


Guns 'N Roses? I could take or leave them. But I would at least listen to, if not buy the new GNR album, if only to relive the glory days of browsing through longboxes at Sam Goody. Somebody's gotta do something about Axl's hair, though. Good God, man.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

CHEKIT: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre


MoJo Jo Jo keeps kickin' the sweet links with this gem from Angry Alien - if you've seen these bits on Starz! then you understand why everything is better with bunnies.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

MUZIK: "KITT, hit the wooka-chakka!"


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is, indeed, David Hasselhoff in a bush hat, covering Blue Suede covering B.J. Thomas. I'm not sure whether to thank Weeble for tipping me to this link or bring her before a war crimes tribunal.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

CHEKIT: Deal or No Deal.


I was trying to explain the appeal of the new NBC game show Deal or No Deal to Mojo Jo Jo yesterday, and she was asking the same questions I think the programmers at NBC were asking when they heard the pitch: What the hell? Why is every man, woman and child in the Netherlands, UK and Australia watching this thing?

After watching one episode and yelling at the TV until I was hoarse, I knew. And she will, too. And so will you.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006

CHEKIT: Squirrels-For-You.com


I know it SOUNDS like something dirty, but in reality, Phil and Kathy Tanny are two folks who, in addition to several other web ventures, run a site documenting their rehabilitation of squirrels found in abandoned nests. Watch the videos and brace yourself for near-fatal levels of rodenty fun. (Many thanks to the C.O. for the tip.)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

CHEKIT: Reunited, and it feels so good


37 years ago, Alan Poster's '68 Corvette was stolen from a Brooklyn parking garage. Tuesday, he got it back:

The case was given to two detectives in the auto crimes division in Queens, Cliff Bieder, 44, and William Heiser, 41. They went to police headquarters in Lower Manhattan, and to Room 300, the daunting records room, to search on microfilm. If they had not found the report by Jan. 1, the car would have been shipped to Sweden, they said.

"It was the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack, that report," Detective Heiser said. "One of the guys bet us a steak dinner we wouldn't find it."

With 44 years' experience between them, the detectives spent four days in Room 300, squinting at fine print - "Our eyes were hurting," Detective Bieder said - when Detective Heiser found the report on Dec. 23. He told his partner. "I thought he was going to pass out," he said.

Finding Mr. Poster was easier. The detectives tracked him through the buyer of his last house in the New York metropolitan region, who said he lived in California. Mr. Poster said Detective Bieder called him at his office.

"He said, 'You had a car stolen in '69? A Corvette? What color was it?'" Mr. Poster recalled. "I said, 'Blue.' He said, 'We have your car.' "

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

CHEKIT: Kittenwar!


Because you love kittens. And because Cute Overload didn't provide enough squeezy huggableness, we present Kittenwar. You might as well clock out now.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

CHOW: Home grown booze


Folks are always talking about their friend who threw away a high-paying job to start a new career doing something they love - and coming up big. Derek and Sonja Kesselbaum's another couple you can root for - especially when what they've got is nothing less than love in a bottle that they want to share with you:
The lemon peels are among the ten botanicals Kassebaum uses to make his Distiller’s Gin No. 6, one of the two products he’s created thus far for North Shore Distillery, the company he and his wife, Sonja, started in Lake Bluff in October 2004. It’s the first small-batch distillery in Illinois... The centerpiece of the couple’s mostly empty 5,000-square-foot warehouse space is the custom-made 250-liter brass still they purchased from Arnold Holstein, a high-end German manufacturer. After nearly two years of research, planning, and waiting for a federal license, the Kassebaums began making their premium gin and vodka in November. They’re already in a dozen liquor stores (including Sam’s Wines and Spirits) and nearly two dozen bars and restaurants, among them Blackbird, Extra Virgin, and Saltaus.
Good luck, guys!

Monday, January 16, 2006

CHOW: FOODBlog

Roaming around for more food-related blogginess, I came upon Kiplog's nearly-obscene post about Paulina Market:

The lamb loins were braised in fennel, carrot and onion, with and served with some root vegetable puree and wild rice with some of the ground goose and mushrooms.
That noise you're hearing that sounds like a train in the distance? It's my stomach trying to eat itself.

CHEKIT: "And now, the purple dusk of twilight time..."



The difficulties faced by the U.S. missile defense program are well-documented - but cast into a more puzzling light this week. Maybe those boys in the Pentagon should talk to them rocket-jockeys over at NASA - instead of hitting a bullet wih a bullet, they sent a bullet to take a bite out of a gigantic, bright-white orbiting bullet and brought that bite and the first bullet back to earth. No small feat for an agency that was, until recently, struggling to regain relevance. I mean, seriously - did you know that those two little rovers are still running?

Friday, January 13, 2006

CHEKIT: Million Dollar Homepage


Much love to BB for the tip to the Washington Post story about, well, the most stupidly brilliant idea I've heard in a long while:

Look what Alex Tew did, and you get one of those "Why didn't I think of that?" flashes. It's so simple, so cheap, so mind-bogglingly lucrative that it took the 21-year-old student from small-town Wiltshire, England, not even five months to go from broke to millionaire.

Worried about paying his college tuition last August, Tew chanced upon one of those rare original money-making ideas. How about creating an Internet Web page out of 1 million blank pixels? And then selling those pinhead-size digital picture elements that make up a computer screen for a dollar apiece, or $100 per 10-by-10-pixel block, to advertisers who turn them into colorful tiny billboards and micro logos linked to their own Web sites?

And why not call this new marketing monstrosity "The Million Dollar Homepage" -- since Tew stood to make a million bucks?

At exactly 1:42:28 p.m. EST today, Tew can post a "sold out" sign on the Million Dollar Homepage. The spiky-haired Brit put the last thousand pixels up for auction on eBay 10 days ago with a $1 starting bid for the lot. With 24 hours to go, yesterday's bidding reached $152,300, putting him over the million-dollar mark.

It's hideous - and brilliant.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

CHEKIT: Only one thing smells like bacon and that's BACON!


One of the signature lines in my outgoing email used to be:

"I would kill you and your dog for a decent BLT."

It drove my friend Attractive Nuisance batty (the nickname is some legal term - apparently, this makes lawyers squirt milk out of their noses - don't ask because I don't know). My constant reminders of the most delicious of the sandwich acronyms were undermining her resolve to eat better, according to her.

The signature is different now. She grudgingly thanked me once she realized I'd changed it, implying that while she appreciated it, DAMN, BABY, it had taken me long enough.

Well, Attractive Nuisance. I'm glad it's one less thing bringing you down. But don't think I've sold out my main man Bacon. No no no. I know you, too, deep down, are still entranced by its fatty, salty, crimson charms.

I mean, at one point, haven't we all yelled "PLEASE, PLEASE GIMME WHAT'S IN THE BAG!"?

CHEKIT: "The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."


If Chuck Norris were a vaccine, it would prevent every disease known to man. The only side effect would be an irresistable urge to roundhouse kick everybody. And facial hair.

I know I'm a little late to the party on this, but Ninjaburger just clued me in to the awesomeness that is Chuck Norris:
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
I can't tell if this site or the other one came first. Either way - he's a badass.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

MUZIK: A mosquito, a libido, buona sera?


Listen - I know some of you think I listen to some wack-ass shit, but believe me - everything that has come before steps aside and bows its head when Dokaka walks into the room. Ask my man at Said the Gramophone - he knows the deal:
Okay we've all heard those goofy covers by college acapella groups, jazz-hands fellows doing vocal acrobatics 'round "Creep" or, yeah, this one too. But what makes Dokaka special is that he's a Japanese beatbox guy who sounds totally insane. As he loops and loops his voice, it's as if a goblin is ripping its face off, running from the dragonflies, a demon being devoured by the rock'n'roll that Nirvana brought. I do clowning when I can, I really do - a theatrical clown in the tradition of LeCoq and stuff, - and Dokaka reminds me of a clown's reaction to a tune like this. Too much feeling to keep it in - being driven gladly, gladly mad by the whoosh of music, gibberish streaming out of your voice like a cartoon-bubble of epithets and delirious grinning birds. And I swear that in the chorus he's speaking italian, offering a friendly "Bona sera!"
I can't help but thinking that Kurt would've loved this version. And other Dokaka stuff, too.

CHEKIT: Cute Overload


I don't know whether to smile or cry. Possibly both. Now imagine a whole site of stuff like this. Makes you want to hug the WORLD.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

LL&CB: Unscheduled Departure.


That’s 'Suckle's nephew Hunter in the lower left corner. Don’t be fooled by his adorableness – he was trying on my jacket earlier, just in case he could peel it off my paralyzed form if I happened to get bucked into a ditch.

Monday, January 09, 2006

POLITIK: Good luck, Sam - you're gonna need it.


Everyone's been chiming in with questions they'd be lobbing (or firing out of a field artillery piece) at the newest Supreme Court Justice nominee, and the strategies to get the most out of those questions. Arlen, in his opening remarks this morning, noted that, aside from approving acts of war, few Senatorial duties are as important as the SCOTUS confirmation process - and with the stakes even higher than usual, the next few days of testimony will likely prove to be nasty going. For the Supreme fans, like my favorite, sexy-yet-sensibly voiced NPR correspondent, the last year must've been like doing color commentary on three (well, two-and-a-half) Super Bowls in one year. And as much as I hate to think of enduring another round of this stuff, I hope we get to a fourth.

CHEKIT: Legos + Pastafarianism = Crazy Delicious


Go through the slide show and realize to what heights those touched by His Noodly Appendage will go to give glory to His name. Praise Be!

MUZIK: I'm cabbage-patching and Roger-Rabbiting to this RIGHT NOW


I'm throwin' it back to a Dispatches favorite - Stereogum - which is posting a link to a mash-up that is throwin' it back, as well. Everybody seems to be makin' sweet old-school remix love to 50 - and who can blame them, with shit like this droppin', yo?

Hello again.



Finally, the renovations to Dispatches International Headquarters' historic Clock Tower are almost complete - how-do, Dispatches-ers?

We hope you haven't missed us too badly - but we hope you stick with us - some exciting things are happening, and we hope you can be a part of it.

Firstly - Lava Lamps & Cheap Beer will return to its original format - a weekly column. Look here for links to it every Tuesday, or catch it at its own blog.

Secondly - a new serialized story project, A Nightmare of Chickens and the Civil War, will begin later this month, and repeat every two weeks, and possibly more often if we get enough time. We'd appreciate your feedback.

Also - we've integrated Google Ads into the mothership blog. Funds collected via AdSense will be donated to the Greater Chicago Food Depository - so click on through, folks!

We really did miss you. We hope to see more of you. Welcome back.