MUZIK: Taylor's the short money. And the safe bet.

I'm not an American Idol fan. The few tastes I deigned to consume during the first few seasons were reminiscent of Mariah Carey's ass-funk, which is why I've stayed away from it. But, according to Jody Rosen over at Slate, there are more than a few reasons to tune in to the Fox juggernaut nowadays - and the music of past Idol winners and also-rans ain't so terrible, either:

Consider the track record. Carrie Underwood (the 2005 idol), Fantasia Barrino (2004), and Kelly Clarkson (2002) have all recorded solid-to-excellent albums, none of which sound remotely amateurish or karaokelike. (Only Studdard, the 2003 champ, released a dud.) More surprising are the toughness and eccentricity of those records. Underwood's chart-topping country single "Jesus, Take the Wheel" is a ballad about a young mother's spiritual crisis and near-fatal car accident, and Fantasia's hit "Baby Mama," is an even grittier depiction of single motherhood. Clarkson won Idol on the strength of her feathery Mariah Carey-style melisma, but she has since moved out of what Abdul would call her "comfort zone." Her 2005 smash, "Since U Been Gone," which placed third in last year's Village Voice's Pop & Jazz's critic's poll, was an angsty breakup ballad with an irresistible hook and a galloping hard-rock chorus. All the qualities supposedly drowned in the ooze of Idol's "aesthetic of kitsch optimism"—regional peculiarity, lyrical realism, the jolt of a well-struck power chord—are present in these singers' big hits. Fantasia's Free Yourself even includes three collaborations with Missy Elliott, arguably the current pop star most committed to enlivening hit radio with sonic surprise and general freakishness. Idol has not only produced successful recording artists, it's produced interesting ones.

And for those of you interested purely for sporting reasons - Bodog.com has Katharine McPhee running as an 8/5 underdog in tomorrow's final; even the internet bookies are putting their money behind Crazy Legs Hicks.

CHEKIT: Lordy, lordy, Lordi loo.

An email, from friend and frustrated Dispatches reader Jenny R:

Ok, so it's summer and I work in academia and that means I'm bored. So I check your blog. And I check your blog. And then I check your blog. What the f? Update your blog!

That is all.

I'm sorry I've been so busy, Jenny, but hopefully this will make up for it:

Believe it or not, Europe voted for its favorite song of the year - and these guys won. And while I know they look like Gwar with better production values, trust me - they RAWK (though this interview indicates that their front man is nothing but well-mannered and polite.)

By the way, WTMX asked me back to this show tonight. I'm flattered and depressed about it. Tune in at 8 CST if you want a good laugh.

CHOW: Hungry Mag

A few months ago, I was thinking - Why not put together a team-managed blog encompassing restaurant reviews as well as product profiles and short essays about interesting food experiences for the hardcore chowhound, all of it wittily and snarkily written?

Apparently, I wasn't the only one.

They've got that shit DOWN, yo. Check the noise from their introduction -

We are an online magazine covering all things tasty. We are not foodies. At least not in the elitist sense. We know the house salad at Olive Garden is just prepackaged circles of red onion, bits of frozen iceberg lettuce spit out from a commercial food shredder, tasteless black olives from a petri dish that have never even seen an olive branch, big fat garlicky salty croutons from the box, pepperoncinis cross bred to remove any sense of real spiciness so as not to offend “families”, all tossed with a sweet italian vinaigrette, and if you are lucky, the hapless waiter or waitress will offer a fresh crack of pepper from the spicemill.

That being said, here is our dirty secret: We love the house salad at Olive Garden!

Something about throwing all these commercialized and overfarmed ingredients together yields something tasty, something we think about occasionally when we haven’t been near an Olive Garden in years.

On the other hand, we do shop regularly at farmer's markets. We have spent hundreds of dollars on artisanal balsamic vinaigrette. We have been to the French Laundry, in fact, we once scheduled a whole vacation around reservations to the hallowed restaurant.

Yet, we know that people have guilty pleasures like the Olive Garden salad, or God forbid, the Big Mac. We do not hate those people, and in fact we are, at times, those people.

We don’t expect to have regular Coke tastings, or Olive Garden reviews, but there will be room for some fun. If it’s bad, it’s bad, and if someone genuinely likes it or thinks there may be merit, lets talk about it, not write it off due to snobbery and politics.

Above all though, we do intend to tell stories of the corner taquerias, rib shacks, and exceptional neighborhood joints. We will ignore celebrity for celebrity’s sake, dig deep into the history of food, look for artisanal, or frankly, folksy backwoods producers of the finest ingredients. We will look at all kinds of ethnic cuisine or even the best ways to prepare roadkill. We hope to do this with a smart, focused, and occasionally irreverent voice.

Much love to Secret Squirrel for the tip.

CHEKIT: Perplex City

From the BoingBoing post:

...the gist of Perplex City is that you buy packs of six cards for $5 a pack and enter a world of puzzle solving, interactive fiction, and real-world/fantasy crossover. (The makers of the game are happy to admit the inspiration came from Kit Williams' 1979 treasure hunt book, Masquerade, which provided clues to help readers locate a valuable "golden hare" hidden in the real world. The current edition of Masquerade includes the solution to the puzzle.)

Each Perplex City card has a puzzle on the front. Sometimes the puzzle will lead you to a faux corporate website or blog with additional hints. By entering your answer on the Perplexity website, you get points and can compare your ranking with other players.

Some of the cards have delightful gimmicks, like heat sensitive or ultraviolet inks that contain hidden clues. In addition to the obvious puzzle (I think there are 260 cards in the entire series, half of which have been released), each card contains elements of meta-puzzles of varying complexity.

Apparently, the makers of Perplex City have determined that I don’t NEED any spare time in my life. So if you see me, say, sometime in November, bleary-eyed, mumbling something about $200k and a cube that needs finding, you know why.

CHOW: I LOVE cilantro. Lots of other folks don't.

Cilantro is my second-favorite herb, after basil. I’d use it in everything if it was appropriate and if most of my friends didn’t hate it so much - it's a hatred so deep, they've refused to eat food cooked near anything that has cilantro in it. I thought they were just being jerks, but apparently they’re not alone.

CHEKIT: The Google Maps Guide to Ghostbusters

The flowers are still standing!

If you’re a fan of ectoplasm, total protonic reversals, 600-pound Twinkies and real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, then this Google Maps mash-up is for you. (Much love to Scavedot - VEGAS, BABY!)

MUZIK: Tax Day Playlist

If you're still feeling the sting from getting a smaller-than-expected refund, or if (horror) you had to actually pony up some cash, check out CMJ's Tax Day playlist, which, I expect, could also be titled "CMJ's I Wanna Kick Something" playlist, or "CMJ's Get The Fuck Outta My Way" playlist. I mean, songs from Black Flag and Minor Threat, along with Circle Jerks' "World Up My Ass" aren't exactly bunny-and-ducky fare. Enjoy.

MUZIK: Spring Mix 2006

So...I know I said this would be ready in March, but...you guys don't mind waiting, right?

I'm just about done. The following is a nearly-complete list of artists featured.

SPRING MIX 2006
featuring:

Alison Krauss via Dolly Parton
Appleseed Cast
Belle and Sebastian
Ben Folds
Bettye Swann
Billy Bragg & Wilco
Blossom Dearie
Blue States
Brendan Benson
Bright Eyes
Byron Lee and the Dragonnaires
Camera Obscura
Cat Power
CCC
Charles Wright & The 103rd St. Watts Rhythm Band
Crosstide
David Holmes
The Detroit Cobras
Devics
Dick Brave & The Backbeats via Run DMC
dj BC and The Beastles
DJ Dangermouse & Zero 7 Featuring Doom
Dokaka
The Dresden Dolls
Eef Barzelay
Elvis Costello & The Metropole Orkest
Elvis Presley
Esthero
The Faces
Feist
George Jones
Gnarls Barkley
Hall & Oates
Inara George
Inger Marie Gunderson via Everly Brothers
The Jackson Five
Jamie Lidell
Jay Dee aka J Dilla
Jean Grae
Johnny Cash
Jose Gonzales
Kings Of Leon
The Knife
Laura Veirs
LCD Soundsystem
Linda Lyndell
Lisa Loeb
The Long Winters
Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five
Lynden David Hall via The Beatles
Lyrics Born
Mia Doi Todd
Michael Penn
Midlake
Minus Five
Mos Def
Nina Simone via The Beatles
Over The Rhine
P.O.S.
Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson
Peggy Lee
Phil
Princess Superstar
The Raconteurs
Regina Spektor
Rogue Wave
The Rosebuds
Sam Roberts
Shelby Lynne
Shelley Short
Shuggie Otis
Sing-Sing
Stars via Smiths
Suzanne Vega
Swollen Members
Tapes 'n Tapes
Tears for Fears
They Might Be Giants
Thievery Corporation (feat. Gigi Rezende)
Thompson Twins
Torero
Wolfmother
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Yes
The Zombies

Much love to Sara Z (Brooklyn, bitches) and Jenny R and all the MP3 blogs that made this possible.

If you want some of this goodness, well - you know how to get a hold of me.

MUZIK: Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Blogging about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at this point is, I realize, a little like writing a cooking column about SPAM in the 1940s. "I've discovered this tasty new spiced ham product that would delight you and your family in casseroles or as a main dish!" the column would say. "Dinner won't ever be the same after you've tried SPAM!" Meanwhile, every pantry in America is already stocked with cans of the stuff, ready to be served to kids already so sick of salty, gelatinous potted meat that they're eating their victory garden carrots first and hiding their meat-pucks in the dog's food bowl.

Actually - the metaphor doesn't hold - Not NEARLY enough Americans are digging the lunatic stylings of Karen O and the boys. And with oufits like these, I don't think YYY retreads are going to be making it to the muzak playlists of your local megachurch's foyer. Regardless - check out the new album. And in this Pitchfork interview, learn that it takes influences like Michael Jackson AND Sam Cooke AND Freddie Mercury to make one of the most interesting lead singers in rock today.

MUZIK: Gnarls Barkley

The upcoming Gnarls Barkley album, like everything else hyped to within an inch of its life, probably won't be as good as everyone says it will be. But you wouldn't know it listening to some of the tracks already making their way about the web, including "Crazy," which went #1 on the UK charts based on download sales alone. Every other music blog I hit seems to mention them at least once a week - and with good reason - web-released tracks "Just a Thought" and "Crazy" will ride a Tilt-A-Whirl inside your head until you manage to slip your synaptic carnies some malt liquor. Fans of DJ Dangermouse (of various collaborations, and, most famously, The Grey Album) and Cee-Lo (of Goodie Mob fame) should just about crap their pants if the album is half as good as the early singles. And if the quality of the first video from a new group correlates to the level of fame and awesomeness to follow, well - it's gonna get a little ridiculous real fast.

MUZIK: Cinnamon Girl

Today's post begins an all-MUZIK week here at Dispatches. Headphones and head-nods and surreptitious lip-syncing on the bus not included.

Enjoy.

Scott over at the 'Gum has 11 (ELEVEN) covers of Neil Young's "Cinnamon Girl," from Radiohead, Matthew Sweet and Hole, among others - which is, by my lights. six more than absolutely necessary. But you can decide for yourself.

CHOW [and BOOZE]: The Bourbon Sidecar.

Sorry I've been away. It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

To make up for it - here's a cow in a racing helmet in on a motorcycle.

From Eric Asimov's new blog in the NYT:

I hate to pigeonhole myself, but when it comes to cocktails I love the classics. I want a martini made with gin, not vodka. The same goes for a gimlet. In fact, I don’t really care for vodka at all, unless it’s straight, iced down and served with caviar, or Peking duck. (That’s flexibility, no?)

I prefer a Manhattan made with rye rather than bourbon, just as the original recipe calls for rye. Rye has a racy, dancing quality in the mouth, like Sichuan peppercorns, while I find that Bourbon tends to be a little sweet and flat, and mixes best with ice cubes.

I’m not doctrinaire or snobbish about these things. Years of experimentation simply confirm the wisdom of the originals, despite the well-intentioned creativity that leads to the lesser variations. And I’m not the contrary sort either, although certain members of my family might disagree with that assertion.

And here’s proof: the bourbon sidecar.

Being a cognac/Cointreau/lemon juice man myself, I've never used bourbon in a sidecar, much as I've never used the word doctrinaire in a sentence until just now - neither would have occured to me. But it's looks like it's something worth trying.

CHEKIT: LEGO Worldbuilder 2

Last week I was at work late because we were on deadline. This week I was at work late because I want to trap and kill some lions with my Freezebot. Trust me - you'll understand.

CHEKIT: Jenny makes the case for Bloomington, Indiana.

This is called nature and most New Yorkers only see it if they schlep up to Central Park [or Prospect Park, which we all know is the better of the two].

Jenny (in addition to being cool and cute and (sigh) married) can smack verbs and nouns around sumthin' fierce. Check out her newest published stylings here - though I will say I doubt there's a decent bagel to be found in the whole of the state of Indiana.

POLITIK: The Hammer resigns

From the NYT:

In an interview Monday night, Richard Cullen, Mr. DeLay's principal criminal defense lawyer, said that his client had been pondering a withdrawal from the race for some time and that "it had nothing to do with any criminal investigation."

"The decision had absolutely nothing to do with the investigation," Mr. Cullen said. "It was a very personal decision and a political one."

Yes. Very personal. In the way rinsing half-eaten mashed potatoes off a food tray in a federal prison cafeteria kitchen feels very personal.

CHEKIT: Bow before George Saunders. Kneel before George Saunders.

From The New Yorker:

...I used to love music, back when it had melody and chords and lyrics. But now it has no melody and no chords, just thwack-thwacking, and they even seem to be cutting back on the thwack-thwacking, so now it’s sometimes just thwa, and, as far as lyrics, do you consider these lyrics?

Hump my hump,
My stumpy lumpy hump!
Hump my dump, you lumpy slumpy dump!
I’ll dump your hump,
and then just hump your dump,
You lumpy frumply clump.

I’m sorry. To me? Those are not lyrics. In my day, lyrics were used to express real emotion, like the emotion of being totally stoned and trying to talk this totally stoned chick into sleeping with you in the name of love, which lasted forever, if only you held on to your dreams.

George Saunders isn't just a pimp. He is a platform-shoed, befeathered-hat-wearing hermit living atop a mountain that pimps climb and ask of him how they, too, can achieve perfect pimpitude.

He's got a new book coming out. And in case you haven't already, read this one and this one, too.

CHEKIT: Iraq War Coalition Fatalities

Press the button.

I'd go on and on and on as to how cool this is, BoingBoing, if it wasn't so sad and moving and disturbing.

HOUSEKEEPING: Apologies and peppercorns

I promise - more posts after the weekend. Until then:

Get yourself some Spice House action. The UPS guy just delivered some rib rubs, jerk seasonings, barbecue sauce makings and TELLICHERRY PEPPERCORNS, yo. I'm a happy man.

CHEKIT: Conan O'Brien is coming to Chicago

Please, please, PLEASE let Triumph come along. PLEASE, GOD.

CHEKIT: Happy St. Patrick's Day, ya poser.

Anyone can turn the lights down, install a lot of dark wood booths and benches and brass accents in a room and call themselves an Irish pub, but it takes the efforts of the Irish Pub Company to turn the art of faux O'Boozery into an profitable, worldwide enterprise:

In the last 15 years, Dublin-based IPCo and its competitors have fabricated and installed more than 1,800 watering holes in more than 50 countries. Guinness threw its weight (and that of its global parent Diageo) behind the movement, and an industry was built around the reproduction of "Irishness" on every continent—and even in Ireland itself. IPCo has built 40 ersatz pubs on the Emerald Isle, opening them beside the long-standing establishments on which they were based.

IPCo's designers claim to have "developed ways of re-creating Irish pubs which would be successful, culturally and commercially, anywhere in the world." To wit, they offer five basic styles: The "Country Cottage," with its timber beams and stone floors, is supposed to resemble a rural house that gradually became a commercial establishment. The "Gaelic" design features rough-hewn doors and murals based on Irish folklore. You might, instead, choose the "Traditional Pub Shop," which includes a fake store (like an apothecary), or the "Brewery" style, which includes empty casks and other brewery detritus, or "Victorian Dublin," an upscale stained-glass joint. IPCo will assemble your chosen pub in Ireland. Then they'll bring the whole thing to your space and set it up. All you have to do is some basic prep, and voilà! Ireland arrives in Dubai. (IPCo has built several pubs and a mock village there.)

Erin go Bragh! (which is Gaelic for "gratuity included.")

CHEKIT: Doctor Who on Sci-Fi.

I want to make it clear to you, gentle reader, that I am in no way excited about the US premiere of Doctor Who this Friday at 8 PM CST on the SciFi network, that I have not been anticipating the stateside release of the first new episodes in fifteen years in any way, and that I will not be programming my TiVo to record all the new episodes of Doctor Who or any old ones that SciFi, BBCAmerica or PBS sees fit to release in conjunction with this, the least-looked-forward-to debut of any show this year. Just in case you were wondering.

MUZIK: Belle and Sebastian, New Pornographers AND Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! Live, downloadable and free.

JACKPOT.

Live sets from three of the best bands in the indieverse today, all from the grand arbiter of tunedom, All Songs Considered. Streaming or downloadable, bitches. Go get it.

CHEKIT: March Madness.

Your comments, suggestions and ridicule are welcome.

And YES, I did pick Winthrop. So did a bunch of other folks. Leave me alone.

MUZIK: Dave Chapelle's Block Party

Big booty people gotta share with a small booty.

The trailer promises. Dave Chapelle delivers.

I loves me some Mos Def. Some Kanye. Some FUGEES, for goodness sakes. And if you were in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood in Brooklyn that glorious day two summers ago (when Dave was at the height of his powers, before he went AWOL from Comedy Central) you would've been lovin' it, too. Go see what all the hubbub's about - and enjoy one of sweetest, funkiest, funniest and most joyous movies I've seen in the last year. If the theater weren't half-filled by grumpy white folks, I would've been workin' it in the aisle.

MUZIK: M is for MUZIK

The spring mix is in the works. Email me to suggest songs or request a copy.

CHEKIT: The Crappiest Invention of All Time

Nick Schulz over at Slate has some issues with that creepy bathoom convenience, the auto-flush toilet:

To understand why hands-free toilet technology stinks, you must first understand three things that any well-designed loo should permit you to do.

1) Clean the pool. You must be able to flush the toilet easily before sitting down, in case any detritus remains from a previous, inconsiderate visitor.

2) Clean the pool, again. You must be able to flush more than once after you are done. Some of us are more prolific than others, and courteous patrons will want to ensure that Point 1 is unnecessary for whomever follows.

3) Issue a courtesy flush. If you plan to settle down with the sports page, you should flush immediately after dropping the kids at the pool. There's no need to let the kids linger any longer than absolutely necessary. This is for the benefit of other visitors.

Remarkably, the automatic-flush toilet makes all three of these tasks more difficult. Consider the following scenario: You enter a nearly full house, and only one stall is free. This is probably because those who got to the restroom first saw the remains of someone else's visit and moved on to one of the cleaner stalls. (See Point 1 above.) What are you to do? The only way to clean the pool is to sit down and let the latrine laser register your presence. Then you must get up and hope you sat on top of the foul commode long enough to "tell" the laser to issue a flush command. Meanwhile, the other patrons are probably aware that you are going through this humiliating exercise, as they saw the stall's condition before you arrived.

I, too, have experienced the dreaded "ghost flush" in which an auto-flush toilet initiates the flushing process while you're still in situ, spraying toilet water up onto your bum. If this were a bidet, that would be one thing, but it's most likely an airport toilet, where God-knows-what - including what you've just contributed - is being splashed up onto you.

MUZIK: Natalie Portman, the Lonely Island boys, and SNL

I've always liked that Natalie Portman gal. Such a sweetheart.

CHEKIT: H5N1 be DAMNED. I want some eggs, yo.

I've toyed with the notion of raising a couple of chickens for a few years now - ultra-fresh eggs taste like a soft-boiled miracle - but I never really gave it any serious thought. (Okay - I did call city hall to see what sorta restrictions there were on keeping farm animals - to their credit, they didn't laugh at me on the phone - at least, not at a volume that I could hear.)

And then, I got this email yesterday:

Hello!

A while ago you contacted us to find out if the eglu was available in the States. Well, we’re just writing to let you know we’ve made it! You can now order an eglu and in recognition of your enthusiasm and pioneering spirit, we are offering you an exclusive opportunity to be one of the first eglu owners in America!

We have developed a brand new website just for you where you can find out more. If you visit www.omlet.us you’ll find all you need to know about the eglu, how to order and of course the useful guides on keeping chickens and rabbits.

Omlet is offering a full service in America – you deserve nothing less! As well as the full range of eglus, in all colours, you can also order fully grown chickens to be sent directly to you. Visit the website and have a look at the beautiful Gingernut Ranger, who is an excellent egg layer.

If you have any questions then we are here to help, you can call us Toll Free on 1-86-OMLET-USA or email info@omlet.us. Our telephone lines are answered between 8am and 6pm CST with an answerphone at all other times.

We really hope you enjoy the website,

Yours,

James, Simon, Will and Johannes

PS. If you order an eglu right away, you’ll benefit from a special introductory price.
PPS. There is a full 30 day moneyback guarantee on the eglu so you have a no risk way of finding out if the eglu is right for you.

Dudes. I think there's a chance of some really asskicking frittatas in my future. Though I have to question the wisdom of the 30 day guarantee. How does one return a chicken via UPS, exactly?

FILM: Nacho Libre

The quiet little mice over at AICN had this a month ago - but we're all following Harry on this kind of stuff, ain't we?

Hey folks, Harry here... Many of you are addicted to pootykat fracking lame American Wrestling... but the FACTS are, that's exactly what it is... pootykat fracking lame American Wrestling! Real men wear Mexican Masks and Wrestle for God! That's right... Real Wrestling Heroes Pile Drive for the Lord! And there's no more real a Mexican Wrestler than JACK BLACK as NACHO LIBRE! You know it, I know it... and God sure as blazes knows it! First... Behold the Masked Mexican Marvel!

To be fair, I Googled the movie after reading about it on Kotaku, so I gotta credit them both - but I'm realizing that, after posting an excerpt of an internet movie news site item that I read about on a video gaming blog to my own collection of links and web-heavy snarky commentary, maybe I should stop with the posting and the linking and maybe find out what it's like to kiss a girl.

Of course, not all of us can be like Kip, chatting online with babes all day.

That is Pedro, by the way, in the bottom photo, standing next to Jack Black. Nacho Libre is Jared Hess' follow-up project to his 2004 feature about Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance, who summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

Many thanks to PBP and Kingmaker, who, upon hearing I'd never seen the first film, plopped me in front of their TV and Pay-Per-View'd me into cringeworthy, large-taloned bliss.

CHEKIT: Anna Nicole + Antonin

I wanna root (hee hee) for Anna Nicole Smith. For her and her and her ridiculous jibblies. Even though I know she'd spend the whole wad on bonbons and pink velour track suits. And her dead husband's son? Who WOULDN'T root against that tightass? I mean, Anna Nicole may be a golddigger, but at least she never tried to forge three pages out of her father's will.

The problem is: a certain former Texas govenor is also arguing for the former Vickie Lynn:

Speaking of wealthy Texas oilmen whose lawyers can justify just about anything, the president has joined this appeal on Anna's side. Assistant to the Solicitor General Deanne Maynard has 10 minutes to argue (not surprisingly) for giving more expansive jurisdiction to federal courts. The justices question her very little as she argues that the reason people create trusts—as opposed to wills—is precisely that they want to avoid probate. So, why is this a probate matter at all?

It's not that I'm reflexively opposed to anything il Bushe has to say. It just gives me the creepy crawlies when he and I want the same thing - though I'm convinced his position is less about expanding the power of the Federal courts and more about having an excuse to giggle when discussing filing amicus curiae briefs. ("hee hee! I'd like to be a friend of her court! Ha! Briefs! Hopefully mine! Wooo! She's a Texas girl, right, Dick? She knows how to party!")

Sex, money, and distinguished legal commentators making veiled comments about enormous boobies. I love SCOTUS!